Don't You Remember
by BellaClary
Summary: Bella & Mike are getting married in two days but she can't let go of her past and the secrets within it. What happens when someone comes back for one last dance? AH, Lemons, Rated M
1. Rehearsal Dinner

**Don't You Remember- BellaClary**

**Bella & Mike are getting married in two days but she can't let go of her past and the secrets within it. What happens when someone comes back for one last dance? AH, AU, Lemons, Rated M**

_When will I see you again?_

_You left with no good bye, not a single word was said_

_No final kiss to seal anything_

_I had no idea of the state we were in_

**A/N:**Hi everyone! This idea popped into my head and I couldn't let it go. I started writing it and well, here we are. I really hope you enjoy it, my summary doesn't do it justice, trust me on that. There is a lot more to this fic than just a dance!

_BELLA_

I went to the bathroom fifteen minutes ago just to get away from everyone. They'll be wondering where I am soon. They will think that I'm having wedding jitters, cold feet, whatever you want to call it. I am, but not for the reasons that they think. My reasons were darker, scarier secrets that I'd never tell. Secret's I've kept locked inside for years.

My sister, Alice, had fixed my hair into long dark curls and they were already all over the place. I look at myself in the mirror and try running my fingers through it to fix it. I end up just making it messier. She had also planned out my outfit for tonight, black heels that make me at least four inches taller than I already am and a small white, strapless cocktail dress. I suppose it was to help signify that I'm the bride, that I'm the one getting married in two days. As if it wasn't already obvious. I didn't even want to come tonight. I mean, rehearsal dinners are supposed to be happy and carefree, its the last get together with friends and family before you're married. It's the last party before the big day. The big day that means you're taken forever. I hope I was choosing the right one to be my forever.

We met one year after my college graduation. I was starting a new job in Seattle, I grew fond of the big cities after going to school in Portland. I knew the second we met that we just fit together. I had been at the coffee shop picking up a latte for my boss, we exchanged some small talk before he asked for my number. I had given it to him without concern. I probably should have warned him then, how broken I was. It's not like I wanted to be, I just couldn't help it. I tried to forget my past, let it blow away with the wind. Although, it didn't always work. Since everything had happened I didn't try to approach anyone, I didn't try to date. I was alone and I didn't mind being alone. I always told myself that I could just get a cat if I got too lonely. That must be why I was so enthralled by his presence. Immediately I noticed that I wasn't nervous around him, like I was with others. He made me feel comfortable and at ease instantly.

That's how it's supposed to be, right?

Michael and I were supposed to be together.

I've always thought that being with him would make me forget the past. I've always loved that whenever I'm with him my heart feels a little better, mended. Its like Mike is a small band aid over a large wound though, he tries to help but it's not enough. There are so many times I feel the mending tear and the pain shoots through me like lightning. I hate those times .

Those times make me feel helpless, scared and lonely. I feel like I have no one who can understand what I'm going through. The one person I feel could help me is gone, I have no idea where they went, they just vanished. Vanished and never returned for me, for us.

I try to hide that side of me from him, the side that can't recover. He would still notice and try to help. To try to talk me through those horrid moments where I curl into myself but it never worked. I am usually so caught up in keeping myself from a mental break down that nothing can tear me out of it. When my heart feels like it's being ripped apart I don't want comfort, I just want to disappear. I want to vanish just like _he_did.

I also thought being with him would stop my nightmares. I was wrong. I thought that he would be able to take away the hate and fear buried beneath me. So many nights of my life have been spent awake because of dreams that won't go away. Nights of waking up screaming for things I don't have, things I've lost. When I was alone I would either stay awake and read or just cry myself to sleep. Either way I became like a zombie. Mike didn't know what to do at first, he would hesitate to fall asleep knowing I was wide awake even when I told him to go back to bed. The nights he would wake up to me screaming we worse. He didn't know why I couldn't just let it all go and I couldn't explain it.

Now, he just lets me be. I'm the only one that knows what happened, I think. There are parts I'm not sure about. Parts that have deteriorated in my mind through the years. I'll probably never know the entire story either. I've long since lost the ones who could put the puzzle pieces together. I haven't decided if that's a bad thing or not. This is the only way I let myself think of it, without any details. If I get into the details I could lose myself in them, I've done it before.

I've always kept those thoughts hidden, locked away with the key thrown away. It never works for very long though.

I was glad when Mike finally stopped trying, as bad as that sounds. I hated having to tell him I can't explain. Tell him I wasn't going to tell him the details, watching his eyes grow angry as I spoke. He wanted to know, he wanted to hurt those who had hurt me. I didn't want that though. I just wanted to close off my mind long enough to appreciate my life before it was too late. Now he never bothers me about my past, even though I know he'd like to. I'm grateful for that. He always said he wished he could have met me then, saved me from it all. As crazy as it sounds, I don't know if I would have wanted him to. The pain keeps everything real, everyone real. I need the pain, I can't forget.

I should go back out there. I should be the happiest girl in the world right now, marrying my best friend. Mike will be a good husband. He treats me right, always making sure I have the best. He never forgets to kiss me goodnight or tell me he loves me before he leaves for work. He never lets me pay for anything and always holds the door open. He has a great job that pays well and he loves it. He already had an amazing house when I met him that I've now moved into. I know that's materialistic to think about but I feel its important. I'll always have someone who will believe me, no matter what. Someone who will stick around through better or worse. I'm going to be in a better place in my life. I'll be safe. He will always love me, cherish me.

I wouldn't say we have the kind of love that makes everything else irrelevant. I always thought I'd end up with that. The love that consumes your heart, mind and soul. Though, I think we have the love that's comfortable and easy. The one you just go with because it makes sense to do so.

I walk out of the bathroom and scan my eyes around the party. I see Mike immediately, his blonde hair shining, his dark suit, his face cleanly shaven. He's very handsome, I know I'm lucky. He is such a good host, what would I have done without him? I'm over in the bathroom sulking and being depressed while he's talking to all my aunts and uncles, people I haven't really spoken to tonight. I should, but I can't muster the motivation to do it. The smile on their faces tell me they love him, they are happy for me. They know that I've found a man who will protect me and love me forever.

Why can't I just be happy with that? Why do my memories of the past need to come and haunt the amazing future I could have?

I think about going over and joining him but decide against it, I still need some time alone. I don't want him to see the heartbreak on my face and mistake it for apprehension. I wander around the outskirts of the room looking at everyone. I see Esme and Carlisle and they are whispering in each other's ears. They always look so in love, no matter what they are doing.

They have that life consuming love, the soul mate, never can be without the other love. Maybe Mike and I will grow into that?

I stop at the hors d'oeuvres table and nibble on crackers. I haven't been eating much all week because of my nerves. I know I should eat something. The hotel we're at has incredible food and yet nothing looks appetizing. I had thrown up in the bathroom a few times and my stomach hasn't calmed down yet, I still feel sick. How can this be happening? Its almost my wedding, only two nights away, and my entire subconscious is going over old memories and reliving old feelings. Yes, it does happen often but in the past month or two I've been so much better at repressing them. Making sure Mike knows that I am serious about marrying him. I've been trying to stay focused. I can't focus though. I don't want to admit it to myself but I've been drowning in memories of _him._

_Edward._

_No, stop._ I refuse to let myself think of him.

I need to snap out of this, I need to get back to the party and be the happy bride. I look back over at Carlisle and Esmes table and I don't see them. I scan my eyes around the party and find them snuggled on the dance floor, as close as they can get to each other. The pain in my chest grows stronger and I look away. I love them and I love spending time with them but when I see them, I think of _him_. I think of everything that we had and everything that we lost. I think of how I invited him tonight and to my wedding and how I got no response.

I refuse to let myself wonder why he didn't come, why he didn't even RSVP saying _No, sorry I cant come._He sent nothing. It didn't surprise me though because deep down, I wasn't expecting anything. No, that's a lie. I guess somewhere in me I really did think he'd at least respond, give me something to work my mind around. When you have nothing to go on, anything can make it better.

"How's the bride to be?" I jumped and turned around to see Rosalie Hale, one of my best friends, standing beside me.

"Just getting some food." I raise my cracker, barely nibbled on up to my face and I try to sound upbeat, I try. I fail miserably.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just stressed out I guess. Lots to do tomorrow." Excuses. Lies. She reads right through them but says nothing.

"Go dance with Mike, it will make you feel better." She's genuinely trying to help me and I know that, but it doesn't help. It makes me feel worse.

"I cant." I made it up. I didn't care that I was lying to her. I didn't want to see Mike right now. "Mike is over there dancing with my aunt or something." I covered my tracks as best I could but it was another lie. Maybe he was dancing with her, I didn't know.

"Alright well I'm going to go attack that hot groomsman over there. He's going to ask me to dance."

"Emmett? That's Mike's best man. Did he ask you?"

"He's about to." She winked at me before turning around and walking straight towards him. I saw his eyes grow large as he realized she was heading for him. Rosalie was blonde, tall and absolutely beautiful. I watched as he immediately stood up and took her hand, leading her towards the dance floor. Emmett was Mike's friend since they were young, he looked rough but he was a sweet guy. I'm sure Rose and his dance would be more than that. She always knew how to get her way. I turned back to the food after watching them for a moment and finished eating my cracker, lost in my own head. I grab another cracker and take a larger bite.

"I'm not dancing with anyone. Does that mean I can steal you away for a few minutes?"

I almost choke on the cracker in my mouth. I barely get it down before the urge to throw up hits me. That's not possible. That voice isn't here. That voice is one I haven't heard in years, one that I didn't realize how much I missed until this deep and silky and just as I remembered it.

_Edward._

I've been strictly making myself try to forget him. It's never worked. Even tonight he keeps coming up, popping in just to mess with my thoughts. Now he's here? Its impossible. He didn't RSVP. He never tries to contact me. I haven't heard from him in years. This isn't real.

My heart is pounding, I can hear it so clearly that I'm sure he can. The sharp pain that has been coursing through my body is gone. Only to be replaced with nerves and butterflies.

I am never nervous around Mike. I'm stronger and more outgoing in our relationship. There's only been a few things he's been demanding about, Edward is one of those things. He'd only ever seen a few pictures of Edward because I had them in my apartment when we first started dating. Once he knew we had history, he made me take them down. It killed me the day I had to pack those pictures away. He had told me to throw them away, I didn't need them anymore. I told him I had thrown them away, I didn't.

I don't turn around, I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that if I move this won't be real. The familiar smell of cigarettes, beer and laundry. I love that smell and hate it all at the same time. It shouldn't be familiar anymore, I haven't seen him in over five years.

I don't know what to do. Is this real? Am I delirious? I've been having what could be construed as a panic attack inside my head for the past half hour. Maybe my sub conscious is bringing this hallucinatory Edward to me because of it? Because I've never stopped thinking of him? Because I've never gotten over him or us? I can feel the electricity running between us, something we always had. It feels like something is pulling us together, keeping us aware of each other's every move.

I'm hallucinating, I have to be. This can't be real. It's not happening, its my brain telling me that I cant stop thinking of him. I haven't been able to stop thinking of him since he left. Its just me losing my mind. I've slowly been doing that for years, it was bound to catch up to me.

Its anything but the fact that he's actually here, because I don't know what I'll do if he is really standing behind me.

I just need a confirmation that I'm dreaming, that he's a ghost. Maybe I should reach out and touch him? Talk to him and see if he talks back?

"Isabella?" I still don't move. No one has called me Isabella in years. He's the only one that calls me my full name. I hate that I still love how it rolls of his tongue. I can picture his mouth as he says it. The way his lips curl and his tongue moves. His lips used to be so soft.

If he isn't real then I should be able to make him disappear. He can't be here. It's my rehearsal dinner and my fiancé is in the same room as us.

Even thinking about Edward when I'm with Mike makes me feel guilty.

The problem isn't that I feel guilty though, its why I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel like I'm cheating on Edward, with Mike. I feel like I'm betraying him every single second of every day. Every time Mike touches me, I wish it was Edward. When he kisses me, its not his lips I dream of. Our intimate moments have been ruined in my head because of Edward. When we have sex, it means nothing to me. I'm not one of those girls that just lays there but if he heard the thoughts in my head while we're that intimate, he'd leave me. I shouldn't even feel like this though. Edward shouldn't have this much control over me or my mind. _He left me._

I can't stop my feelings for him though, no matter how hard I try it never stops.

Its not that I don't care about Mike. I do. I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't. Hes always there for me and he's become my best friend. My head is what's guiding me now but my heart was claimed a long time ago. He has pieces of me but he'll never have all of me.

Because of Edward.

I can still feel him behind me. Why hasn't my subconscious made him disappear yet? Maybe I need to distract myself with something. I reach over and grab a grape from the fruit platter and eat it quickly. There. I did something that wasn't thinking about _him._

As much as I want think only good thought I have to remember, he has hurt me. I keep forgetting that. I need to focus. He's hurt me. He left me.

He touches my back as he moves to stand beside me, my breathing hitches at the contact. I'm not hallucinating. This is all real, he is really standing behind me. His hand is really against me. What do I do now?

I had always thought I'd be prepared for the moment I'd see him again, that I'd have some witty remark or epic monologue of anger and betrayal to say. I have nothing. Oh and if he only knew how much I've craved his touch. I wish so badly he was touching my skin instead of this damn dress. I shouldn't wish that. I'm engaged. I shouldn't even be thinking about him like that. I can't stop.

I keep my eyes on the crackers in front of me. I can't look at him.

I know the moment I look into those eyes, I'll be lost.

A little voice in the back of my head reminds me again that I'm getting married in two days, that my fiancé is in the room. I shove it in the corner and focus on his hand on my back.

I can feel each of his finger tips pressing against me, they're so long. I can feel the warmth of his palm against me and the slight touch of his wrist to my waist. I take a deep breath of him, letting myself memorize it. He can't really be here, can he?

"Please," I feel his breath hitting my ear, its hot and yet I shiver in response. His voice is lower and sexier as he whispers, his mouth so close to my ear. "Dance with me?"

I can't focus though because he's still there. I can feel him beside me. I can feel the electricity radiating from his body to mine. I swear if I looked between us I would be able to see the currents going back and forth, pulling us together.

I turn my head to my right slightly, that's where he is. I look down the table and I can see his hand is only a foot away from mine, fingers barely touching the table. I swallow hard and do what I know will prove to me if I'm going clinically insane or if I'm about to have another panic attack.

I reach out and grab his hand.

My whole body shutters from the contact as I feel our connection and my heart squeezes. I feel him exhale hard, as if he was holding his breath. His hands are warm and soft and real. Which means he's real and he's here. I intertwine my fingers and bring it closer to my face, inspecting them, memorizing them. He's really here.

**A/N:**Can you feel the tension?


	2. Just One Dance

**A/N: Wow! I'm getting an insanely awesome response to the first chapter! Here's the next one, hope you enjoy! **

**Thank you to all those who have reviewed, are already rec'ing this and putting it on alerts! **

_Bella_

"Come Isabella, just one dance." He whispers and his voice breaks me out of the trance I'm currently in with his hand. His voice is so smooth and silky, I just want him to keep talking. He's moved closer to me, his lips almost against my ear.

I nod slowly. He gently pulls on my hand and walks towards the dance floor a few feet away. We're on the outskirts of the party, everyone else is caught up in the music. At least, I hope everyone is. I can feel the connect we have, the one we've always had, and it makes me wonder if its as palpable as I think. Right now I feel like anyone looking at us would be able to see it, feel it.

This really isn't how I expected to see him for the first time in so long. I thought it would be more private, intimate. I had thought up so many different scenarios of how it would happen.

Maybe I'd see him by chance, walk past him on the street. Maybe he would call me and tell me he missed me. Maybe he'd call and tell me that he never should have left. Maybe I would figure out where he lives so I could go yell at him, scream at him all the things I've gone through. I had always hoped he'd find me, he'd seek me out. I just never thought it would be so late, too late.

Now we're dancing in the middle of my rehearsal dinner and I feel like I'm in a fish bowl. In my head, everyone is watching us but as I look around, no one is. I'm thankful for that. I want to just grab him and leave. I want to be alone with him, just grab him and leave. Walk right out that door and demand that we talk. I have questions that I've wanted answers to for years, I have things I planned to say to him. I wanted to be the strong, independent Bella the next time I saw him. Not the weak, love struck, can't look into his eyes, almost married Bella.

When he pulls me into his arms I keep my head down. His touch is calming and warm. It takes me away from the anxiety and stress I had been feeling moments ago. I feel safe, the pain in my chest is almost gone. I can't even remember the last time the pain has gone away this much. I don't think it ever has actually, because Edward has never been around me since then. I just want to keep touching him, would the hurt go away the longer I do? I'm wearing heels and yet my eye level is at his chest. I lock my fingers behind his neck to keep myself from playing with his hair. God, I want to touch his hair so badly. I want to run my fingers through it, I want to pull it, twist it, tug on it.

I'm full out fantasizing about his hair right now. Not good.

He rests his hands on my lower back, right on my tailbone. I can feel his wrists pressed against my sides, palms against my back and fingers sprawled out. Our bodies are close. Closer than friends would be if they danced, but not touching. The currents are buzzing on my skin where he's touching me and keeping me aware of the proximity I am to him. I want to close it, to press myself against him fully. To someone else watching there would be nothing sexual about us, to me however, my skin is on fire. I'm burning up.

I stare at the third button down on his black dress shirt. I'm finally noticing what he's wearing since this is the first time I've actually looked at him, he's wearing all black. _Just don't look into his eyes._ He's wearing a suit, which means he completely planned to come to this. No one just has a suit to wear to events, do they? Maybe he's rich now? Maybe he's one of those men who owns a suit and drives an expensive car and pays a hundred dollars for a haircut. It bothers me that I don't know the answer to any of that. I do notice one thing though, he doesn't have a tie on. Formal yet casual. Completely and totally Edward.

I haven't even said a word to him yet. I must be making myself look absolutely insane because I wont look at him or talk to him.

"Is there a specific reason you won't look into my eyes?" His voice flows over me and I close my eyes. God, he still has the same effect on me he always did. He definitely noticed my awkwardness, but I guess that was inevitable. I've been staring at either; the table, his hand or the button on his shirt the entire time. I don't know what to say. I focus back on the button and as I open my mouth to speak, my brain freezes. I want to say that right now I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and if I look into your eyes I'll fall off. But that's not what comes out of my mouth instead I just say; "No."

"Don't lie to me. " He has always known when I was lying and he's always called me on it. Others will just appease me when I lie, since usually its about how I'm feeling. When I say that I'm 'okay' they don't ask more, they let it go. I've gotten used to that luxury. I hate when people want to pick and pick until they figure out what's really wrong.

"I'm not." I try to sound convincing but the smell of cigarettes, beer and laundry consumes my senses again and I lose my confidence. Those three things were the only way I could describe him to someone else. Its clean and dirty at the same time, yet incredibly sexy.

"Yes you are. I can tell." He seems proud of the fact that he can still tell, I'm proud of it too.

"You always could." I whisper that so quietly, not even realizing he can hear me.

"That is very true. I used to know you better than you knew yourself." He paused, he sounded sad and drifted off as if he was lost in a memory. I know I was. I was thinking about how we used to be, how close we were. All the happy memories I have stocked up in my brain to keep me going. To assure me that it was all real, even if the ending was a horrible mess.

"What am I supposed to do?" Our voices are so low that no one could hear us even if they tried. We were being so discrete that even if they looked at us they probably wouldn't even realize we were talking.

"Talk to me." He was so sincere, he wanted me to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him.I wanted to tell him so much.

All of a sudden my mind popped the word, Michael, into my head. Mike flooded my thoughts and his words triggered the anger in me. I said exactly what I wanted to without hesitation.

"Here? At my rehearsal dinner? I hardly think the conversation you want to have is appropriate for this venue." I still kept my eyes on his shirt button, it was getting a lot harder to do. I wanted to look at him. I wanted to see if I could read his emotions through his eyes, I wanted to know what he was really thinking.

"You're right." He started moving his thumbs back and forth over my dress. It was distracting. I was enjoying it far too much, I focused on the rhythm of his fingers, back and forth. It was making my body heat up, part of me remembering his skin on mine. I wanted that again so badly. I shouldn't though.

The song was ending, we're we going to keep dancing? Would it be weird to keep dancing? Was it bad that I wanted to?

"Honey there you are! And who might this gentleman be who took my bride away for a dance?"

"Mike!" I jumped, not realizing he was standing right there. I dropped my arms from Edward neck but moved one to touch my fingers to his arm. I couldn't stop touching him. It was addicting, it was my drug right now. When he touched me the anxiety went away, the depression vanished. It was what I would use to keep me sane. "This is an old friend of mine." I didn't want him to know it was Edward. I hope he forgot those pictures, please forget them.

"Nice to meet you Mike, I'm Edward." Okay or Edward could just introduce himself and ruin it all. Edward put one of his hands out to shake Mike's. I saw the recognition hit Mike's eyes as he stared at Edwards hand as if he had the plague. I kept my eyes on the floor or at Mike. I still refused to look into Edwards eyes.

"What do you think you're doing showing your face here?" Mikes tone was a harsh whisper. He was smart enough to not make a scene here but apparently not in control enough of his anger. Oh no. Please no. Mike took his arm and wrapped it around my waist, effectively pushing Edwards hand away. I felt Edward's finger tips against my arm, keeping the connection. I wonder if he needed it too?

" I asked you a question." His voice was hard and cold. What was he doing? He's never met Edward before, he can't judge him. All he knew was that Edward and I had history and it ended badly. I never gave him details, no one knows the details.

"I was invited." Edward didn't sound defensive, or mad. He sounded as if he was announcing something blatantly obvious, almost mocking Mike.

"You most definitely were not." Mike pulled me against him, completely severing my ties with Edward. I felt cold at the loss of contact. The piercing pain in my chest started slowly again. I was already craving Edward's touch, I needed it.

"Yes, I was. I can go get my invitation if you'd like, its right in my car." Mike was standing up as tall as he could but he was only a few inches taller than me, around five ten. Edward was so much taller than Mike, it was no competition. Where Edward was a couple inches over six feet and always had been. I watched Mike stare at Edward, the uncomfortable silence lasted about a minute before I realized this was going to escalate too far.

"I invited him." I said to Mike, loud enough that Edward could hear.

"You did what? " he turned to look at me, complete shock and anger registering on his face. "Care to explain?"

"There's nothing to explain, Mike. I invited him to tonight and to our wedding Saturday." He looked at Edward, then me. I kept my eyes on Mike's face. There was one benefit to me not looking into Edwards eyes, Mike wouldn't be able to see how we looked at each other. I didn't know if it would be the same as before but I had a feeling it would and that wasn't something your fiancé would want to see.

"May I speak with you, alone." Mike pulled me away from Edward and into a hallway that lead to the main section of the hotel. I didn't look back at Edward, I wondered what he must be thinking right now. I couldn't believe he was doing this right now. Pulling me into the hallway to talk? Am I a child? I invited someone that I've known for a long time to my wedding, that's not bad right?

"You invited him?"

"Yes."

"He's your exboyfriend isn't he?"

"Yes." I barely got the word out, my heart burned at his words.

"Why?"

"Because I wanted to. His family was coming and I thought that it was only right that he get invited too."

"So, you just neglected to tell me?"

"He didn't RSVP, I didn't know he was coming. Plus, I didn't think you'd react in the best way and I was avoiding confrontation with you. I obviously assumed correctly." I was usually a pretty strong person around Mike, I wanted that strength to come through right now.

"You know, I understood when you wanted to invite his family. I got it. You were close with them and you knew they'd want to be here. What I can't understand is why you'd want to invite someone who fucked you up beyond belief for everyone else in your life? Does he realize how messed up you are? How disconnected you are from everything? I love you Bells but this..this isn't right. You shouldn't have done this without telling me." My immediate reaction is to defend Edward, its not his fault I'm like this. Mike doesn't understand any part of my past. But, I know that would be the worst thing to do right now. I had never heard any of this come out of his mouth, ever. I didn't know he thought I was fucked up? He didn't even fucking know what he was talking about. Edward was not the problem.

"If I'm so fucking messed up then why are you marrying me? Why did you propose?" How could he treat me like this, right now? He's known that I have issues, that I'm not the most normal person in the world. None of this makes any sense.

"Because I saw something in you that made me fall in love with you. I saw the girl you probably used to be hidden beneath all that damage he did. I thought that I could bring you away from that, I thought the commitment that I'm showing to you would help us grow and love each other more." He keeps bringing Edward up, he doesn't realize that he isn't the problem, that its not all his fault.

"So this isn't even real? This engagement, this to-be marriage? You're just doing it to try to get to me? See what you can get out of me? See if you can change me?"

"No. That came out wrong. Fuck, Bella." He was frustrated with me, I didn't really care right now. I was in shock at his words. "I love you. I want you, always. I just always feel like you have a barrier up between us. Yes I'll admit that marrying you has a small motive other than just love. I thought it'd make you realize that I'm here and I will be forever. I'm not going anywhere. I want to make you happy, cherish you, keep you safe. First and foremost I want to marry you because I love you."

"I love you too." My voice was monotone, there was no emotion to it. _In two days we will be Mr and Mrs. Mike Newton._I turned around and walked away from him and back into the party. I had nothing to say. He thought so little of me and I had no idea until thirty seconds ago. I knew my past had bothered him but I don't think I realized to what extent, until just now.

I really wasn't in the mood to be here anymore.

**A/N:** Now what do you all think of Mike? Or Edward & Bella's dance? Reviews are the best present EVER.


	3. Green Eyes

**A/N: THANK YOU. You guys are making me the happiest person ever right now with all the things you're sending me! This chapter/scene whatever you want to call it is probably one of my favorite things I've ever written.**

**Charlie & NJsilla & Cori & Naby this would be where a video review is COMPLETELY necessary.**

_Bella_

Almost the entire night I've been inside my own head, not really paying attention to anyone anyways. For the first two hours I was doing exactly what you're supposed to do; greet everyone, thank them for coming, reminisce about life. I was smiley and fun and the Bella everyone wanted to see. Then when the memories took over I went to the bathroom and now I'm here. I over hear people whispering as I walk by. They think it's cute how nervous I am. They think I'm stressing over the details of tomorrow, wanting to make sure everything's perfect. They think I have the complete right to be in a different state of mind the night before my wedding. If only they knew why I'm so spacey and distant. Edward has shown up out of no where, blindsiding me completely and my fiancé thinks I'm so fucking messed up he doesn't know what to do with me.

I walk over to my dad, Charlie and his wife Sue, to say that I wasn't feeling well and I would be leaving. There was only a little over an hour left to the dinner anyways, I wouldn't be missing much. Sue was trying to help me, asking me over and over if I was okay. I kept telling her yes until she was finally satisfied enough to stop. Charlie barely acknowledged me and I'm pretty sure it's because he's drunk. Whatever, it just makes it easier for me to leave.

Mike had planned to stay at Emmett's tomorrow night and get ready on Saturday, for the wedding. He had done this so that I would have a good night's sleep and be able to get ready without him barging in. This confused things though because I didn't want to see him tonight. I wanted time away from him tonight as well. I needed time to think about how to handle myself, how to handle our relationship.

I walked over to Rose and Emmett on the dance floor, she was definitely getting her way. "Rose?"

"Bella! What's up?"

"Mike and I want to stay in different places tonight too, its easier on the both of us. Would you mind if I crashed at your place?" The lie came out of my mouth smoothly and without hesitation. I didn't even care if Emmett told Mike what I said. Mike would cover for me anyways, he wouldn't want to explain our argument. He wasn't the type of guy to go off telling people about our relationship. He would confront me alone and I would find a way out of it.

"Sure. You still have your key right? I may not be going home at the same time as you." Thank you, Rosalie. That was her hint that she was going to try and sleep with Emmett. I caught it but didn't react.

"Yes I do. I'm not feeling well so I'm leaving now, I'll see you later." I spoke quickly and walked away, I didn't want her to ask questions. She probably wouldn't have though. The pain in my chest was burning, I needed to get out of here, quick. I looked around and didn't see Mike, I was instantly relieved.

I was thankful that I didn't have to talk to him. I had nothing to say to him.

That's not how it's supposed to be before your wedding, right?

I walk over to our table and grab my purse and walk outside in the warm September night. I walk quickly through the parking lot, hoping that Mike didn't see me leave. I don't want him to follow me. My feet are killing me and I can't wait to get out of these heels. I start walking towards my car, I can see it down the row, when I hear the hotel doors open.

"Bella!" Its Mike. Screaming my name across the parking lot. I don't know if he's seen me yet or if he's just yelling in hopes I'm still here. I walk faster towards my car, maybe I can drive away and just pretend I didn't hear him. I cant find my keys in my purse and its not helping. He screams my name again. I cant go to my car now, he'll be there and he'll want to talk to me. I don't want to talk.

I hide behind a truck and look to see where he is, he's heading right for my car. He's getting to closer to me, almost running. He probably wonders why I'm so mad. He'll ask why I'm leaving, where I'm going, when he can see me again before the wedding. I back away from the truck and start running, away from Mike. My heels are making me wobbly and awkward but I can't stop. I don't even know where I'm running, I just know its away from him. I'll just wait until he goes back inside and then I'll go to my car and drive away. Away from this mess of a night.

I'm almost at the end of the parking lot when a car drives up and stops on my right, I don't stop but I slow down. It's probably Mike. He's found me. I can't out run a car, especially in heels. I just don't want to get in and have this conversation. I need to be alone, I need to think.

"Get in the car." I stop dead in my tracks. It's Edward. It's so dark that I can't see his face, but I'd know that voice anywhere. "Hurry."

I move quickly and get into the passenger's seat, shutting the door behind me. The currents flow between us immediately, heightening my senses to him. I notice that his car smells just like him, I inhale deeply. He smells so much better than I had remembered.

He drives out of the parking lot and onto the street without saying a word. I want to peek over at him, see if he's angry or sad or happy or anything. I want to watch his fingers curl around the steering wheel. I dont, I keep my eyes straight ahead. My adrenaline is on a high. I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My feet hurt like hell and all I want to do is take off these damn heels, but I don't. I just sit in the soft leather chair and close my eyes, focusing on the hum of the engine, hoping it will calm me down. I open my eyes after taking a few deep breaths, it's past eight and everything along the road is closed. After driving about a mile he pulls into an empty parking lot. He parks it and turns off his lights, we're hidden now.

We're both silent for a few minutes, I don't know what to say or do. This is only our second time seeing each other since _then._ I haven't even looked at him yet. I finally break the silence with a small, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I'm staring at the glove box because I still won't let myself look at him. Its quite pathetic right? I just got in the car with my ex to run away from my fiancé at my rehearsal dinner. I should be able to look at him, shouldn't I?

I just can't. I wrap my arms around my torso and squeeze, a habit I've picked up, it's how I try to keep myself together. The pain is still shooting through me, the small hiatus I had from it while dancing with Edward was incredible, I miss it. I want to touch him again and see if it does that again.

"Are you cold?"

"No, I'm good."

"You're not going to ask me why I was running away?"

"No. Unless you want to tell me, I wont ask."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think I have the right to anymore." His voice is low and sad. My heart drops at his words.

"You're wrong." I was whispering and I'm not sure why. I guess its because we weren't just talking about here and now, we were getting into the past. "You never lost the right, ever."

"Don't say that."

"Why not? Its true."

"You don't mean it." I saw his hand move slightly in my peripheral, for a moment I thought he was going to touch me, he didn't. I barely caught him pulling it through his hair, something he used to do all the time. I was happy that he still did it, that I still knew something about him. "You cant even look at me, Isabella. "

"Yes I can." I say determined. I don't actually know if I can though.

"Really? Then look at me, right now. "He adjusted himself so that he was facing me, I started to panic.

His voice grew softer as he spoke; "Please, look at me. I need to actually _see_you_._" I was making this a bigger deal than it needed to be. Should I just do it, look at him and get it over with? Would that betray Mike? No. It was just looking at someone, it was what normal people did on a daily basis.

I could hear my breathing, it was still very shallow and shaking, revealing my nerves and apprehension. I could do this. It's fine. It's just Edward. I turned my body so I was facing him as I looked over at his legs, long and lean disappearing under the steering wheel. One of his hands was on his leg, the other was placed on the armrest between us. I stared at his hand on the arm rest, it had always been so much larger than mine. I moved my eyes up his arm and noticed he had taken off his black suit coat and only had on the black dress shirt. His arms looked more muscular than before, the thought of him without his shirt on instantly popped into my head making my entire body heat up. I shook my head slightly to focus back on reality. I wouldn't be seeing him without his shirt, I'm getting married. My mind wanted to create ways to do it anyway, go to the beach maybe? Focus. The top buttons of his shirt we're undone, leaving part of his chest exposed. That made it a lot harder to keep my mind focused. My eyes lingered there for a moment before lifting further and scanning his neck and mouth. His lips looked soft and he had stubble all over, almost like he forgot to shave today. I wanted to rub my fingers against it. He always used to shave every day, I never kissed him when he had that much. I wanted to kiss him now. I shouldn't be thinking that.

I realized that the next move I made would be his eyes. I felt the butterflies swarming in my stomach, I could do this. We both had green eyes, we always said that was something else that connected us. Something else other than the many things we had already had. I lifted my eyes and met his dark green emerald ones. I instantly wanted to cry, my eyes starting to water. So many memories of us began to pour into my mind. His eyes were so full of emotion, he looked hurt, scared, sad. I wondered if mine reflected the same, I definitely felt the same.

My subconscious must have taken over again because I saw my hand raise and trace the side of his face. The pain vanished. He took it all away. He closed his eyes at the contact and so I pulled my hand away a few inches. His eyes opened and without saying a word he took my hand and pushed it back against his face, holding eye contact. He kept his hand against mine, it was warm and soft and yet felt strong.

When we were together the currents flowed between us but when we touched it was much more intense. It's so hard to explain. It was as if every nerve ending in my body ignited, alerting me to him.

I felt him move closer to me or maybe I moved closer to him. Our faces were only inches apart, I could feel his cool breath on my face. It was intoxicating. I couldn't think. I wanted to kiss him so badly, to feel his lips on mine once again.

I couldn't pull my eyes away from his, the green was taking over my vision. I want to move forward, just a couple inches and my lips would touch his. My breath was shaky, we are so close. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I wanted to feel his lips against mine. Only centimeters separated us, I could feel the heat from his lips, feel the currents rushing between us.

"Isabella, " He whispered "Don't."

_Don't._

It rang in my ears over and over. He was telling me no. He was denying me. Why would he do that? How could he do that to me? After all this time? He left me. He hurt me. He wasn't allowed to do that again and yet I just let him.

I felt like he just punched me in the stomach. Like he slapped me across the face. Like I was nothing.

I opened my eyes, pulling my hand back and putting it into my lap. He had moved himself back against the door of the car, getting as far away from me as possible. He must have seen the confusion and hurt in my eyes. The pain was back.

"I'm sorry I just-" He rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. "I can't let you do something you'll regret."

"Why would I regret that?" Why would I regret kissing him? Would he just hurt me again? Did he like making it a game? Was he just playing me? I was looking right at him, I didn't hold back now. I wanted to know what was going on. He wouldn't look at me though.

"Michael." He spoke so quietly I almost didn't hear him. His eyes were focused on his hands in his lap. My heart dropped. I had completely forgotten about Michael. How had I done that? I'm getting married in two days and I'm sitting in a car with my ex and I almost let myself kiss him. Oh my. I'm horrible. What am I doing?

Oh that's right, I'm getting mad at Edward because he won't kiss me. I must be delusional. Why would he want to? I'm taken. I'm engaged.

I lean away from him and slouch into the seat. I'm a terrible person and now Im embarrassed. I just want to hide from everything and everyone.

I felt myself fall back into the mess I had been in earlier. My heart was hurting again and I started to shake. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. The guilt I had earlier was nothing compared to now. Now I felt guilty for multiple things, most including Edward.

I needed to stay focused. I was getting married, I was happy. I was going to have a great life. Edward didn't want me. Edward had left me alone.

Then why was he back?

No, I wouldn't let myself think of that. I couldn't. It would only make me want to change my mind about things, planting seeds where they didn't need to be.

"Drive me back to my car, please."

"Isa-" He started to talk to me but I cut him off.

"Please." I just wanted to get my back to my car. I couldn't be in here with him. I was embarrassed, I was hurt. I felt like I was back to where we were when we first met. I was in awe of him and then I obviously still am. I need to get out of that, I need to be strong.

"Okay." He sounded sad but I wouldn't let myself care. I couldn't.

We drove back to the hotel in silence, now I was thankful for the short drive. I was back to keeping my eyes on the dashboard, away from him.

When he parked his car beside mine I froze. I didn't know if he planned on going to the wedding, if he wanted to see me again or anything. I had no idea why he was even here tonight, we hadn't talked. I had messed everything up by trying to kiss him.

How could I have thought that was a good idea?

"Thank you." I said and I tried to find the handle that would let me out. I was nervous and it was taking longer than I wanted it to.

I almost jumped when I saw his arm come infront of me and put his hand over mine on the door, holding my hand there. "Meet me tonight."

"What?"

"Or I'll come and meet you."

"Are you crazy?"

"I just need to talk to you. Please can I see you tonight?"

"We can't." I couldn't think. Where could we go that no one would see us?

"Where are you staying tonight?"

"Rosalie's."

"I'll find you."

"I can't, Edward." I shouldn't.

"Yes, you can. I'll be there at midnight." He opened the door with his hand and pushed on it. I sat there for a few seconds, staring at the open door, my mind racing. He wants to meet me tonight. I'll have to sneak out of Rosalie's house. I can't do that? Or can I?

"Thank you again, for your help." I mumbled as I got out of the car, for saving my from my fiancé, for showing up, for stopping me from kissing you.

"Midnight Isabella, don't forget about me." Don't forget about you? You forgot about me. For years.

"I can't." I mumbled as I closed the door to his car, effectively cutting off our eye contact and the electricity humming between us. "That's the problem." I said to myself as I walked towards my car.

I unlocked my car and slid into the seat, shutting the door behind me. Edward was still parked beside me, not moving. I know he was making sure I was safe and I appreciated that but I was on the verge of a breakdown and I didn't want him to see me. I could still feel my body trying to make me give in, but I was forcing myself away from it. I wanted to stay strong just a little while longer. At least until I got to Rosalies house and I could just melt down in peace. Without being under the eye of those who were hurting me.

I turned my car on and kept my eyes away from Edward and his car. He was still there, I could see him in my mirrors. I didn't want to look though, I didn't know what to do if I did. I pulled away and started the short drive to Rosalies house. I was glad she lived close. I had a lot to think about.

**A/N:** Reviews are better than being in a car with Edward.


	4. Decision

**A/N:**Thank you to everyone who's been reviewing this fic! I cant even believe how many there are in such a short time!

_Bella_

I got to Rosalie's already knowing she wouldn't be here. She was still back at the party_. Where I should be if I was in my right mind, which I am obviously not._ I walk inside using my spare key and immediately make myself some tea. I don't allow myself to think just yet. I don't want to get emotional until I can truly break down, truly think about what I need to do.

It's almost as if I need to reevaluate myself and my life in this very moment and I shouldn't be doing that right now. I should be getting ready to get married, getting all the details set, making sure my dress fits.

But I am not.

I am trying to maneuver my way around meeting Edward tonight. I am actually trying to find a way that I can see him. He's going to come and find me? What does that even mean? I don't think he knows where Rosalie lives, he couldn't. She lives in her parents old house and he never went there.

As I'm walking back into the living room with my tea, I hear my phone ringing in my bag. I put my tea down on the coffee table and I walk over and check it, its Mike.

I hesitate but answer anyways, he's my fiancé I can't avoid him forever.

"Hello?"

"Bella?" Why is he asking? He called me?

"Yes."

"Where did you go?"

"I'm at Rosalies."

"Now? The party is still going."

"Yes, I know." I was being short with him, I couldn't help it. We didn't leave on the right foot, I knew that. I should be trying to work things out with him right now. My brain was screaming at me to fix this, to stop fighting. I couldn't . My heart was screaming something else, something I tried to ignore.

"When I saw you leave the hotel I ran outside to try to find you, where did you go?"

"To my car and then I drove here." Not exactly the truth but I'm not really lying.

"I saw your car though, you weren't in it."

"Well, what do you want me to tell you Mike? I left, got in my car and drove here." Now I'm lying. I cant tell him that Edward saved me from having to talk to him and then we sat in the car and I almost kissed him because I have absolutely no self control.

"You're mad at me aren't you. That's why you left."

"No, that's not it. I just wasn't feeling well." And I was mad at you.

"I didn't mean to upset you earlier. Just the thought of that asshole coming to _our_ rehearsal dinner and dancing with you right in front of me, it's insulting."

"Mike it was nothing, we were just dancing. You took it all and blew it out of proportion. It was embarrassing. You treated me like a child, pulling me out in the hallway to talk to me, to tell me how fucked up you think I am." I didn't want him to talk about Edward like that. I would rather he blame me. I could feel my blood pressure rising again at the thought of his words.

"I'm sorry love, I didn't mean any of it. I swear I didn't. I was frustrated and in the moment. I really didn't like him near you, touching you. He's your ex for goodness sake Bella!"

"I know but it was harmless, completely and totally. It's not like I was all over him. We were dancing. There were people all around, I wasn't trying to hide from you." Somewhere in my head I thought about how I hid from him outside.

"I just didn't like it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "Bells I miss you. I'm just going to come and see you." He said and I heard a door close.

"No!" I answered too quickly. I didn't want him to come here. No.

"What?" He sounded confused, which he should be. I was acting weird and I knew it.

"I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to see you its just.. Please, just go with Emmett for tonight. Or stay at home, either one. I am frustrated and I don't want to be angry with you. Plus this will work out better anyways." Better for me. I rushed through my words, I didn't want him to come here. I needed to think.

_And Edward was coming._ I refused to let myself think about him.

"But Bells, I want to be there for you. I don't want to fight with you before our wedding. I want everything to be good."

"It is. We're fine. I just-" How do I tell him not come again? I just don't want him to. Please Mike, stop asking.

"You don't want me there?"

"That's not it. I just, I'm not feeling well. I'm drinking some tea and then I need to get a good nights sleep before tomorrow. I want to make sure everything is perfect."

"Bells are you sure, you seem stressed?"

"Of course I'm stressed we're getting married in two days. Not even, one day." Wow, I don't think I realized that.

"I know but I hate to have you like that."

" I'm fine. We have a lot to do and I just have a lot on my mind. I'll be getting into bed in just a few minutes, it would be pointless." I hated lying to him, but I think it was necessary right now. I had no other option. The mental breakdown I have been having tonight combined with Edwards sudden appearance was throwing me off balance. I couldn't just come out and tell him that I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I couldn't tell him that I was seriously considering meeting him tonight.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow." We'd be doing our last minute things, I'd have to.

"Okay baby, I love you."

"Love you too." My voice sounded fake to me.

"I cant wait till you're my wife." He obviously didn't hear it. Maybe that's always how my voice was with him, maybe its always been fake since _he_left. I cant seem to remember anything right now. The only thing I can think of is those green eyes.

"I can't wait either." My voice faltered. I could hear it. I hoped he wouldn't hear it, please don't.

"Goodnight."

"Night." I hung up. Guilt washing over me once again. I feel like I've been drowning in an ocean of guilt. It gets pulled away with the tide but its still there, still strong and powerful. Right now is when its at high tide and I feel like I could go under. Just lose myself in it.

I feel like I'm betraying Mike but I also can't bring myself to stop. It's a horrible combination.

I want Edward, I always have. I have never stopped. I cant have him though, not that he would want me. I'm taken. I'm almost married. He probably has a girlfriend. That could be why he stopped me from kissing him tonight, not because of Mike, because of a girlfriend. Damn, I didn't even think that of that. Would he show up to my wedding with a girl? What would I do with that? The jealousy in me was strong, I already hated this girlfriend of his.

What am I even saying, I don't know that he has a girlfriend. I don't even know that he would bring her. Hypothecially if he did bring one, I don't think I could handle seeing him with her. It would kill me. I wonder if that's how he feels about Mike?

Or if he even cares that I have a fiancé. We didn't really talk about much tonight. We carefully tip toed around our past, making sure to not hit any rough areas that could cause conversations neither of us want to have yet.

I still want him though.

I shouldn't want him to begin with, that chapter of my life is long gone.

I throw my phone down on the coffee table next to my tea and sit on the couch. I need to figure out if I am truly going to meet up with him tonight. I could just go to bed right now, like I told Mike I would. I could forget about Edward, forget that he wants to meet me at midnight, that he will probably want to talk about things. The pain inside me makes me want to see him though, to touch him and make it go away. I feel so safe around him.

I start playing with the locket around my neck, absently twisting it around in my fingers. I do it whenever I'm thinking about things. It's relaxing and makes me feel closer to her.

It was Renee's locket. She had a picture of me on one side and Charlie on the other. She used to wear it every single day. I remember when I first started wearing it, I couldn't stop crying. Then again, everything made me cry.

Every single day I remember that she used to be the one wearing it, not me. She still would be if not for that asshole. I hate that. I hate that she's not still here, wearing this locket around her neck. I hate that she had to leave me so soon. I hate everything about that time in my life.

I hate him for taking her away.

I had lost everything.

My mother and Edward, gone.

As if someone wanted me to suffer.

No, stop thinking about that. I drop the necklace and feel the cold metal laying on my neck.

I take a deep breath and grab my tea again. I focus on that for a few minutes, swirling around my spoon.

What should I do?

I don't even know what Edward has planned for tonight. That would at least help me make my decision, don't you think? I don't have his phone number anymore though, I have no way of contacting him. I don't even know if he will be able to find Rosalie's place? I hope he can, I really do.

I think about calling Esme, asking for his number. That would be weird, right?

_Hi Esme, could I have Edward's phone number? He wants to secretly see me tonight and I want to figure out what we're doing, no big deal._

No, its not going to work. There is no easy way to do this.

We never spoke about him leaving. I stayed very close with her and Carlisle after my mom died. I had no family, really. Charlie couldn't handle it at first and went into his own shell, I had no where to go and the only people I could turn to were Esme and Carlisle. They took me in with open arms no matter when I needed them. I was thankful for that. They never brought Edward up, I never asked about him either. It hurt too much to talk about him. I suppose it still does.

I finish my tea and walk it into the kitchen and put it in the sink. Maybe I'll just wait and try to see Edward tomorrow? No, I cant because Ill be with Mike doing a lot of thing that I don't want to do. Wedding things. He'll be clingy tomorrow because he will want to over compensate for how much of an asshole he was tonight, its just how he is. He has done it ever since I met him. If there's ever a time where he loses his cool he will always be extremely nice and considerate the next day. Its great and all but I don't want that though. I always tell him; I want you to just not lose your cool. I want you to tell me when something bothers you before you blow up at me. I want to know what you think before you assume I do. He doesn't.

I need a place to think, I need to make a decision and fast because Rosalie will be home soon and I'll need an excuse for leaving. I go upstairs to the bathroom and turn on the faucet to the tub. Taking a bath would make me relax.

As I get in and the hot water covers my body I close my eyes and let my feelings consume me. I cry about my Mom. I cry about Edward. I cry because I feel so confused inside my head right now I can't get anything straight. I want to be able to talk to someone, figure out what they would do in this situation, but theres no one. Rosalie isn't a fan of Edward, just like Mike, they think he's bad for me so I cant go asking her if I should hang out with Edward tonight or not. I cant talk to Charlie or Sue. Alice wouldn't approve either. I'm alone.

No one understands why I cant let go of Edward, they wouldn't know what to say if I told them I've never gotten over him, hes always on my mind. He's everything to me still.

That answers my question then.

I need to meet Edward tonight. I have to see him. I cant _not_. As much as I would love to just forget about him and leave him high and dry like didn't to me I cant. I need to talk to him, I need to know things he never told me. We need to talk.

I end up taking a shower because my eyes are so puffy from crying and I need to be at least slightly normal tonight. I keep my focus away from anything that will trigger a memory or sadness as I wash my hair.

I hear Rosalie coming in downstairs as I'm toweling myself off. Now I need to think of an excuse to get out of the house in a little bit, I don't even know what time is it. I grab my phone and look, its 1130, he'll be coming soon. My stomach does flips at the thought.

"Bella?" I hear her yell from the kitchen as I throw my dress back on.

"I'm up here!" I walk out of the bathroom and down the stairs to the living room where shes sprawled out on the couch.

"How was your night?" I ask her as I sit in the chair beside her, knowing it will have something to do with Emmett.

"Amazing. Incredible. Perfect."

"And?" Talking with Rosalie was keeping my mind busy, and I was excited for her.

"We only kissed. I wasn't about to give it up on the first night Bella!"

"Are you sure about that?" I joked.

"Yes! God, you think I'm such a slut!"

"No I don't, you just really wanted Emmett and I figured you'd want to claim him now instead of later."

"Oh, I claimed that man. None of those other single girls at your wedding will touch him now, he's mine." She wasn't kidding around. "I'll probably end up sleeping with him on Saturday night."

She whispered that part, probably hoping that I would hear, but I did. "I knew it!"

"Whatever. What should we do tonight then, now that you're staying two night in a row! I feel like we're back in college again."

"I don't think I'm going to stay tonight." I blurted out. Not really sure why, I didn't know where I was going to stay.

"Why?"

"I need to go back to my house, I'm sorry. We will have tomorrow night I promise."

"Okay fine. Promise?"

"Yes."

"Good. I need at least one last night with you before you're married off." I cringed at her words and tried to hide it, I'm not sure if she even noticed.

"What time is it?" I needed to know, it was getting closer.

"It's 11:40."

"Okay, I'm going to get going. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Alright talk to you then." I grabbed my stuff and carried my shoes out of the house. I was still wearing my white dress and I wanted to take it off. I wish I had planned that out better, I want to get out of this.

As I walked out the door I looked around the street, I felt like someone was watching me but I couldn't see anyone. Would Edward be on foot? Would he be in his car still? Would he flash his lights? I didn't know what to expect. I got in my car and backed out of her driveway and onto the street, still seeing no one.

Would he even show up?

What if he stood me up?

My heart hurt at the thought.

Please don't stand me up Edward. You told me not to forget you tonight, well please don't forget me.

I pulled down the street and parked at the corner. I would wait for him and hope he would show up.

Within a few minutes I saw a car coming down the street behind me, it slowed down infront of Rosalie's before coming down towards me. I held my breath, waiting. Please be Edward.

It pulled up beside me with its window open, I rolled mine down as well.

"You're here." I missed his voice.

"Yes." I smiled at his shadowy figure in the car beside me.

"I didn't think you'd do it." He sounded surprised.

"Do what?"

"Actually meet me." I could hear the happiness in his voice.

"Why wouldn't I do that?"

"You're..well..getting married."

"So?" I turned off my car and locked it, sliding into his. The smell of him overwhelming me, taking over.

I want you and I'm taken.

_Edward_

I want you but I'm bad for you.

**A/N:** Do you want Edward?


	5. Please

**A/N: **Alright so for the sake of my story let's just say that Forks is only 30 minutes away from Seattle. Go with it. I got a few requests for some Epov after that lovely one liner from the last chapter so I hope you like being inside his head for a while.

_Edward_

I can't believe she actually came. She met me, she's here. I don't even know how to handle this now. I didn't think she'd show up, I really thought she'd find some way to avoid me.

As she gets into the car I try to keep my eyes on the steering wheel, I want to look at her body as she slides into the leather seat. I want to stare at her long legs and creamy white skin. I want to just memorize every single part of her.

I can't. She's engaged. Shes getting married basically tomorrow.

It kills me to think of that. To think that I've lost her. Which I have, I've lost her forever.

I wanted her to have that though, I wanted her to be away from me, be safe from the horrible things I do. I left and I wanted her to move on, I prayed someone would come along and take care of her. Apparently my prayers were answered with Mike. I hope he makes her happy.

I don't think he does.

He looks like a douche bag.

I don't want him to take care of her, I want to.

When I got her invitation In the mail my entire world just crashed. I broke my right hand from punching the brick wall in my apartment so many times. I drank so much beer I forgot what day it was. I didn't eat anything, I wasn't hungry. I didn't leave my apartment for a week. I couldn't.

It wasn't until that moment that I had realized that I had lost her.

And it hurt like fucking hell.

The pain in my chest that had been there since I left grew stronger. It no longer felt like there was just a hole, it now felt like someone was ripping me apart, piece by piece.

I stopped talking to my parents and the few friends I had. I was living in Chicago, I had moved here the second I left her. I needed to give myself distance, make sure it wasn't an easy drive to get back. If it had been I wouldn't have been able to stay away as long. I had hooked up with girls but never really had a relationship. I had tried once to do it, to just get over her and have someone else. It didn't work. Instead it made me feel so guilty and ashamed. I felt like I had just cheated on her, I hated myself. It took me months to get over it and finally accept the fact that I would always love Isabella.

I never asked about her to my parents, I didn't want to know. Well, I did I just didn't want them to know I did. It was a stupid game I would play with them. I would ask them how things were hoping that they'd tell me about Isabella without realizing it but they knew. They knew what I wanted to know and they held it from me. They would barely mention her, saying she comes over a lot but never going into details. I know its because they wanted me to man up and ask about her legitimately but I could never bring myself to do so. I had always wanted to ask how she was doing, what she looked like now, did she have a boyfriend, was she okay? I never knew the answers though. I'm not even sure how she got my address, I assume from Esme.

I wonder if they told her things about me? Especially with all the time she spent with them. I wonder what they told her about why I moved to Chicago. They don't know the truth, they just think they do.

I decided to come to her rehearsal dinner only a few days after receiving the invitation. I don't know what made me want to go but I just thought that I had to. I convinced myself that I could do it, that I would be there for her.

And this Mike Newton character. I had already wanted to beat the shit out of him the second I saw his name next to hers on the invitation. I had thought that he must be nice because she wouldn't end up with an asshole. Still, I didn't want to send the RSVP back to her. I wanted to just wait and see how I felt about it all when it got closer. I wanted to make sure she didn't count on me being there.

I mean, she had sent me the invitation, that must mean something. Although, it was to her marriage so maybe she just wants to be friends?

Friends.

Could I even be just friends with her?

No, I couldn't. I don't picture myself ever being able to watch her with another man.

Especially when we always had so much more than anyone ever has. Our relationship was intense and all consuming.

I need to tell her.

_Bella_

As he drives away I start getting excited about this whole thing. I'm sneaking off with Edward in the middle of the night. This can't be real.

I put my shoes and purse in the back seat and I feel the buzzing from our proximity to each other as I do so. We're only inches apart, his arm almost touching mine. I notice that he changed out of his back dress shirt and pants. He's wearing a black v neck and jeans. My eyes travel down the v and to the hard planes of his chest. God, I still want him to take his shirt off. No, I can't. His arms are now exposed and I can see that he's still muscular, but in a subtle way. I want to rub my arm against his, feel skin on skin once again. I hesitate though and end up just moving back into my seat. The pain in my chest has gone away now that I'm close to him, I love that.

"Where are we going?" I say to distract myself from fantasizing anymore. I don't even know what he wants to talk about tonight.

"I have one idea but I don't think it's a very good one."

"What is it?"

"My parent's house." I look over at him as he drives, my mind is running in circles.

"What?" I freeze. Go to his parents house? To talk? What?

"I'm staying with them while I'm here." Of course he is, I should have known that. We stop at a red light as he speaks and he looks over at me. His green eyes glowing in the street lights. "I don't know where else to take you Isabella. I doubt you'll want to be seen with me."

"Oh. I don't think I thought about people seeing us I'm-"

"Its okay, I know you shouldn't be seen with me, I get it. "

"So you want to go to your parent's house?"

"Yes. They'll be asleep, you won't need to worry about talking to them. Plus they'd leave us alone anyways."

"Okay, let's go then." I said it before I could talk myself out of this. I wanted to be with him right now and I didn't want him bringing me back to my house.

"Seriously?"

"Yes. Why are you so surprised?" Did he really think I'd say no. I mean part of me wanted to but I could never do that to him.

"I just-." He lifted his hand off the steering wheel and over towards me, as if he wanted to rub my leg, before putting it back on the wheel. I wanted him to touch me, I wanted the connection, I craved it. "I'm just still amazed you're here with me right now."

_There really isn't anywhere else I'd rather be._ I want to say that but I don't. I don't know what he's looking for out of tonight and I don't want to ruin it with my thoughts.

"Are you sure they're sleeping?"

"Yes, they went home directly after you and I left tonight." I enjoyed the _you and I_part of that sentence more than I should. He did leave with me, he saved me from Mike.

"I'm sorry how our dance ended." I apologize because it was wrong of Mike do to such a thing and because I didn't want our dance to end.

"Its alright, Mike is protective of his fiancé , its understandable. I'd be the same way." He'd be the same way? As in with me or in general? I'm too scared to ask.

"How did you find me?"

"You mean in the parking lot?"

"Yes."

"When he pulled you away I figured it was my cue to leave."

"You hadn't even been there five minutes."

"Actually I had been there about an hour, no one really noticed me and you were gone most of that time."

"Oh. I was um- having some trouble."

"With what?" He sounded genuine and sincere, like he was so concerned at what trouble I was having. I didn't know if I wanted to tell him. He must have sensed my hesitation; "How about we hold off on talking about anything too serious until we get there?"

"Okay." That sounded so good, I didn't want to have this conversation or any like it right now. I wanted to get to the house so we would have some space to breathe, I could go to the bathroom if I needed to freak out. In a car, I had no place to go.

"How far away is your parent's house?" I asked, trying to switch the subject.

"Not far, only thirty minutes." The thought of being in a car with him for that long made me nervous. I didn't know what to do.

_Edward_

I kind of wish I had planned this out better. We were going to my parents house, well, my old house. We have memories there. That could either take this night one way or the other. I didn't even want to think about that could mean.

I also hadn't thought about the ride to their house. What could we talk about that didn't involve things we were avoiding? Everything we'd say would lead us right back to that. The only safe subject seemed to be the weather.

"So do you still enjoy the rain?" I hadn't been back here in a while and I had forgotten about how much rain they had here.

"You're asking me about the weather?" She sounded quite amused with the fact that I was asking about the rain.

"Yeah, I guess I am. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I rubbed my hand over my face before moving it over towards her. I wanted to touch her, console her, but I didn't. I placed my arm against the arm rest instead, my fingers twitching to touch her.

"Isabella, there are many things I am sorry for when it involves you." I heard her breath shake as I said her name. I hoped she realized that I meant it. I would try as hard as I could to explain to her how sorry I am but I don't know if she'd accept it. She didn't have to, I would completely understand if she could never forgive me.

Her breathing was giving away her nerves, I felt bad. I made her nervous. She probably was wondering at this very moment why she ever decided to get in the car with me. I know I'm going to fuck this up. She didn't say a word to me.

I need to just tell her how I feel, not walk around it like a pussy.

I jumped when I felt her tiny hand grab mine between us, squeezing tight before pulling back. She placed her hand back in her lap.

For the first time since I left I finally felt something.

Hope.

_Bella_

We drove the rest of the way in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable. The humming between us was strong. I don't know why I grabbed his hand, I wanted to keep it there. The second our hands touched I was instantly happier, calmer. I loved that feeling, I had missed it so much. Though being with him dulled it down so low I almost couldn't feel it, touching him completely took it away. Instead of keeping the connection though, my common sense took over and I decided that it wasn't the best idea so I pulled back. He didn't give me much of a response, he probably thought I was crazy.

As we pulled up to his parent's house I could feel myself tense up. I got out barefoot and left my shoes in the car, grabbing my purse only. I didn't want to put those heels back on, they annoyed me anyways.

This was going to be my last chance to talk to him, to actually say things I've wanted to for so long. I hoped that I'd be able to do it.

We walk into the house and its dark, his parents are sleeping. Thank God. I don't think I could have faced them tonight. I wish I wasn't still wearing this damn dress though, its not me. I feel uncomfortable and completely overdressed next to Edward.

Without saying a word he walks me upstairs and to the right, I know where we're going. My heartbeat races, we're going to his room.

He opens the door to his room and walks towards the middle before turning around to me. I stand in the doorway, not moving. This can't be real. I haven't been in this room since he left. This room is full of memories of us. Talking , kissing, cuddling, everything. Everything looks the same, the furniture is in the same place, the walls are the same blue color, its still slightly messy. Its completely Edward.

I missed this room so much over the years, trying desperately to remember how it looked, what it smelled like, what it felt like to lay in his bed. I gave myself to him in this room, both of our first times. Then over and over again. This isn't just some place we hung out, it has meaning. Now that I'm here, it doesn't seem real. I don't know whether to pretend I've never been here before or act like I never left.

I look over at him and he now has his head now, he's looking at the floor with his hands in his pockets. He doesn't know what to do either.

"It looks the same." I whisper, staying in the doorway.

"It hasn't been touched since I left." He lifted his eyes and met mine. Green. So much green. I wanted to walk to him, to touch him.

"Oh." I leaned against the door frame, I didn't know what to say. Did that mean that he hadn't been back here either? I pulled my arms across my stomach. That usually meant that the pain was unbearable, now it was me protecting myself. I didn't know what he wanted out of tonight and I don't think my heart could take it.

He moved to walk towards me, slowly, as if I'd run away if he went too fast. Maybe that's what I looked like, a scared bird ready to fly away at a sudden movement. He held his hand out and grabbed mine, wrapping his long fingers around mine.

"Isabella please don't be afraid of me right now, please. I need you." He was begging me. He seemed nervous. Why would he be nervous?

"You need me?" I whispered. I didn't believe him, he can't

"Yes."

"Edward, don't do this." Don't hurt me again.

"Please, just come and sit. I'll talk you don't have to if you don't want to." I nodded and he walked me over to his bed. I sat down on the edge, he sat beside me with our legs touching. I put my purse on the floor beside me and clasped my hands in my lap.

"I don't think I can handle this. I thought I could but I don't think I can." I whispered, I was panicking.

"I know I'm going to say the wrong thing to you, you must hate me. I wouldn't blame oyu if you did. Just please stay with me for a little bit. I have so much I want to say to you, so much I've wanted to say to you for a long time."

"Like what?"

"Like that I'm so sorry." I turned my head to look into his eyes, they were consuming me, trying to tell me things I couldn't decode. _He was saying sorry._ I could feel the burn in mine, signaling the tears that were threatening to flow. No, I couldn't cry. I couldn't stop it though, so much emotion was coming to the surface.

I felt one slip down my cheek, betraying me instantly.

I looked down and away from his eyes, I can't believe we had barely started a conversation and I was already crying. I felt his hand touch my chin and pull my face up. He was only inches away from me, his thumb wiping away my tears that were now flowing down my face.

"Please don't cry, I hate seeing you cry." I'm leaning into his hands as I cry. Its ironic really, I'm looking for the strength and support from one of the people who put me in this mess.

"You left me. You just left me. You didn't even tell me you wanted to go, no goodbyes, no warning, nothing." I mumbled and hoped he could understand my words, the pain I had.

"I know." He kept brushing the tears off my cheeks as he spoke. "I can never tell you how sorry I am for that, ever. I will never be able to tell you how much that hurt me, how hard that was for me. Though, I'm sure my pain was nothing compared to what you felt. It hurts me Isabella, seeing you like this, it hurts so fucking bad." I could see his eyes begin to water, was he going to cry too?

"I'm so sorry, baby." He whispered and before he could catch it I saw a tear fall down his face. He called me baby. My heart jumped at his words, he could do this to me again. I can't take it.

"No, don't do this to me. I can't handle it. I wont survive another time. My heart is already broken from you, I never recovered. You don't get to do it again."

"I'm not trying to Isabella, don't you see that?"

"See what? I don't even know if you have a girlfriend or not. I know nothing about you."

"I do not have a girlfriend, I have not had one, since you." My breathing hitched, _since me._ What did that mean? He still wanted me? Loved me? No, that can't be true.

"You could be playing with me once again, waiting for the perfect moment to leave me and break me into pieces."

"You don't believe that, tell me you don't. You think that everything that happened before was me playing you? Waiting till you had fallen for me before leaving you?" He immediately stood up, pulling at this hair and pacing in front of me.

"I don't know anymore, Edward." At my words, he stopped and dropped his hands from his hair. I couldn't tell if I had upset him or not. All of a sudden he turned towards me walking up to me and falling to his knees. He put his hands on my hips, his eyes burning. The tears kept falling down my face, I couldn't stop them.

"Isabella Marie Swan, I love you." I couldn't breathe. _He loves me._ This isn't happening. His voice is full of emotion, you can hear how choked up he is just by saying that out loud.

"I have never stopped loving you. You've always been the only one on my mind, the only one I want. I have messed up so terribly in the past that I don't think you want me anymore but God knows I want you. All of you. I miss you every single day. I've been so lost without you, I need you. Please Isabella, I need you." He paused before continuing. I was speechless.

"I need you to know this, I need you to know what you mean to me. I need you to know that I want you back. I need you to know this even if you hate me now, even if you want to never speak to me again. I'll completely understand either way, I promise. I'll prove myself to you if you give me the chance. "

I didn't know what to say.

He still loved me.

He wanted me back.

That is something I always wished he'd say but I never thought would happen.

My head is spinning. He feel of him against my bare legs, his hands touching my hips, his eyes, his words. Its all too much. My mind is trying to form a sentence, something to say to make him realize how much I want this. I love him too, I always have.

"I'm getting married tomorrow." Its all that comes out of my mouth and I instantly regret it. What am I doing? My heart is screaming at me, what am I doing?

"Yes, you are." He says, his voice is much colder than before. He drops his hands from my waist and stands up. "I'm sorry again Isabella, I shouldn't have said anything. It wasn't my place to do so, especially when you're engaged."

_No. Stop him from saying that. You love him. Go after him._

I can't move. I stay on his bed as he walks over and sits on a chair a few feet away. What did I just do? I mean, I love him, I know I do. He hurt me though. A lot.

"Edward."

"Its fine. I can bring you home now if you want."

"No!" I answer too quickly.

I jump up from the bed and walk over to him. I pull his head up by his chin and look into his eyes, they're wet from tears just like mine.

"Kiss me."

"No Isabella."

"Why not?"

"You're just stated that you're getting married. No matter what I say to you that doesn't change. I'm not going to have you cheat on your fiancé because of me. I'm sorry I said any of those things to you, I shouldn't have. I don't expect you to feel the same. Don't feel bad for me right now, I'll just take you home."

"Edward, please, I want you to kiss me." I lean down to press my lips against his and he puts his hands on my shoulders, stopping me. Denying me once again. I feel the tears burning my eyes again. "That's not true."

"What's not?"

"I do feel the same."

"About me?"

"Yes."

"No you don't. You just think you do because I've made a fool of myself. I'm not putting words into your mouth. You said exactly what I should have been thinking the entire time I was talking to you, you're getting married. You're taken, you've moved on." He was about to keep going when I stopped him.

"Edward, stop!" I almost yelled it at him. "Can't you see what you've done to me? You hurt me so fucking badly you have no idea. You broke me. I can't even function on a daily basis without breaking down and crying. I was in the bathroom tonight because of you, then you just show up out of no where and now you're telling me you want me back. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm lost."

"I'm lost too. I can't do this without you, Isabella. I can't keep going through everyday thinking about how fucking stupid I am for letting you go."

I hesitated, wondering if I should speak these words out loud. It would have been the first time in years that I've voiced my thoughts on him. It scared me and thrilled me. It make me shake and my heart soar. I could finally say what I've had pent up inside. I could do this.

"I love you Edward, still." I breathed out, feeling like a weight had been lifted. "I never stopped."

"You don't know how much that means to me to hear that." He mumbled, I don't think he knew what to say. I didn't blame him, part of me couldn't believe I had said it. I had just complicated things more than I even meant to.

"I just, I don't know what to do." I admitted, hating myself for saying it out loud.

"Isabella, I need to prove to you that I mean it." What would he do? _Keep saying my name. _" That I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to."

I could hear the hurt in his voice but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I didn't know if he would break me again, I still didn't even know why he had left me in the first place.

All I knew was that he loved me and I loved him.

_Edward_

I haven't lost her completely.

At least not yet.

I still have time, even if its only a day.

I need to make this day count.

_Bella_

There's so much light coming into the room, why didn't I shut my curtains last night? I always do. I must have forgotten because of everything that happened with Edward. I miss him already, that's bad. I've been dreaming of him all night, dreaming I'm tucked into his side, him holding me against him. I dreamt that I couldn't wrap myself into him enough.

I'm tucked under the covers, I can still smell Edwards scent on me. I inhale deeply and make sure it fills my senses. I don't want to forget it. Thankfully I'm not in that uncomfortable dress anymore, just a shirt and underwear. I never dress like that to go to bed, I must have been really out of it.

My mind tries to think of everything that happened last night but I'm half asleep and it doesn't work. There was so much said last night that I can still feel my heart reacting from it.

I feel Mikes arm around me and the length of his body against mine. I'm laying on my side, my arm over his torso and my legs intertwined with his. We never sleep like this. It's too intimate for us. We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed, always have. It feels so good though, with his arms against me and his shorts leave his legs bare. His skin against mine is heavenly. My heart instantly remembers Edward and how amazing he used to feel against me. How soft his skin was, how close he'd keep me, never wanting to let go.

It makes me hate what I'm doing right now. I don't like it, I'm still mad at Mike. I guess he ended up coming home and crawling into bed with me, so much for staying away from him. I go to pull away from him and get up and he pulls me in closer. His arms tighten as his fingers are wrapped around my waist. I realize that I am feeling no pain in my chest right now. Did last night with Edward help me? I lift my head to tell him to move, I don't want him to cuddle me, but when I turn my head I don't see Mike.

_I see Edward._

**A/N: **Reviews are better than Edward telling you he loves you.


	6. Kiss Me

**A/N: **Serving some lemonade ahead.

When you want a dream to become reality…

_Edward_

What was she trying to do to me?

I couldn't handle this, I'm trying to be somewhat good. Somewhat respectable. If I was Mike I would hate me. I have his fiancé in my room, I've just told her I love her and want her to come back to me. She tries to kiss me and I deny her.

It doesn't even make sense to me, I should be letting her kiss me. She has all the power, she can do whatever she wants with me but I don't want to get my heart broken either. I want to be able to walk away from this if I need to. If I kiss her again, press my lips against hers again, I wont be able to. Who am I kidding, theres no way I can walk out of this situation unscathed. I have always been in too deep with her, I love her.

"Kiss me."

"Isabella, I can't."

"Edward, " Her hands came up behind my neck, one grapsing my hair. It was becoming so difficult to turn her down over and over. I know she wanted to kiss me, I wanted it so badly as well.

"Don't break me again, please."

"I never wanted to hurt you, baby. I promise you. I never want to again either. "

"Then don't."

"I can't kiss you."

"Why?"

I paused. Should I really tell her why? Yes, she deserved that much of me.

"I know the second my lips touch yours it will be like I never left, like I've always had you. I should have always had you." I paused, reminiscing of the times I've had her. Why did I ever let her go? " I will always want you Isabella but the second our lips touch I will be insatiable. I know it. I will want to kiss you, touch you, do anything and everything to you. It will be impossible for me to stop." I heard her breathing hitch, I wondered if she agreed with me on that or if she just wanted to kiss me for fun.

"I don't want you to kiss me and then leave me for him. I know I've hurt you, I will be sorry forever, but I'm hurt too and I can't handle that. I won't be able to handle you leaving me. I'm such a fucking hypocrite, but it's the truth, and you deserve the truth from me always. You deserve so much better than me. You shoulnd't even be with me right now, I'm bad for you."

"No you're not. Don't say that."

"I'll always love you Isabella, I swear to you."

I could see the tears begin to fill her eyes again, I hated seeing her cry. It made me think of how I had left her, broken her and me simultaneously. Could she really not see how much I wanted her? God, her trying to kiss me was making me hard. I couldn't be like that with her though, she was fragile, I was fragile. This couldn't get out of hand.

"You really love me?"

"Yes, I love you."

"Say it again."

"I love you."

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that." She mumbled and moved her head closer to mine again, like she wanted a kiss. "I love you so much."

"Don't Isabella." I whispered, trying to be nice about it. I was so conflicted, part of me wanted to pull her against me and kiss her hard. I wanted to wrap my lips around hers and slide my tongue into her mouth, tasting her sweetness. The other part of me wanted to push her away and take her home. She was engaged and I would do well to remember that.

"Why?"

"You're still getting married tomorrow, did you forget about that?" It was harsh of me but I couldn't seem to care because now I was the vunerable one. I was the one who would get hurt. I saw her flinch at my words, instantly making me regret them.

"Yes, I remember. Of course I do, I have this heavy ring on my finger, always reminding me that I lost you."

"Reminding you that you lost me?" What was she talking about?

"You really think if you wouldn't have left that I would be marrying Mike Newton?" No, you'd be marrying me. You'd have a ring on your finger that was from me. I would be the only one you touched and kissed.

"No." I answered simply. She knew that. "I just can't kiss you, not until you're not engaged anymore."

That wasn't a lot to ask for and I knew it but I think she had other things in mind. I was having a hard time continuously thinking of the fact that she's taken and that she still hasn't told me she'll make the effort and leave him.

She says she loves me but that can only take us so far. I want her to leave him, run away with me, something. I need her to prove to me that she wants means much as I want her.

She stared at me for a moment before her hands came together. I looked down and noticed she was pulling her ring off her finger. She held it out infront of my face.

"I don't want this. I never wanted this." She dropped it to the ground. "I'm not going to call him tonight to tell him that I'm with you, that I snuck away with you, that we can't get married tomorrow because I'm not in love with him. I can't do that. I need you to trust me, Edward. You can do that, right?"

I just stared at her, where was she going with this? She was really going to leave him?

"I trust you, did you know that? I completely do. I'm going to leave him, I'm not going to get married on Saturday. I want to be with you, I want all of you."

"Why not tonight?"

"It's not right for me to do that to him, I need to at least do it in person."

"Yeah, I understand."

"You've always understood me, Edward."

"Do you understand how hard it is to stay in control around you?"

"Control of what?"

"Everything. You're breaking me down. It's killing me to deny your kisses, you do realize that right?"

"You have no reason to deny me now."

"Are you sure about that?"

"More than I have been about anything in my life." She paused, looking at me with those eyes. I loved those eyes. "I only want you. It's only ever been you."

"Isabella," I breathed, I wanted to say something to her, tell her this was a bad idea but I couldn't think of a reason why not. If she was telling the truth, and I really thought she was, she was going to leave him. She wasn't going to get married.

She would be with me. Forever.

I would cherish her, I wouldn't make the same mistake twice. She wouldn't regret it.

"I need you make you mine again."

"Edward, please.." Her eyes fluttered shut. "I'm already yours."

I took my hand and traced her cheek, her skin soft under my fingertips. Continuing the path my fingers locked into her hair. The other hand I placed on her waist, using it to pull her to me .

"You really want me to kiss you?"

"Yes." She kept her eyes closed, waiting for me to close the inches separating us. I wished she'd open them, I wanted to be able to look into those gorgeous green eyes of hers.

"Open your eyes my Isabella." She slowly opened them, our eyes connecting immediately. I tried pouring all of my emotion into mine, I wanted her to be able to see what she is doing to me. What she always does to me.

"You're so beautiful." I said as I moved closer, my nose touching her cheek and making her shiver. Her eyes kept fluttering closed as she fought to keep them open. Her hands traveled up my body and over my chest. I wanted to feel her hands on my skin, scratching and dragging against me. Instead she tangled them into my hair. I felt her pull gently and instantly I was harder than before.

She didn't even have to do anything and I wanted her. She didn't realize that all this begging wasn't truly necessary. I was just trying to be good with her, respect her choices and boundaries. Apparently, she wanted none of that.

I moved closer, our lips only centimeters away from each other. I wanted to prolong it, enjoy this moment, this point in time right before I kiss her once again but she had other plans.

Her lips were like magnets to mine, pressing hard and fast. The first touch felt like a shock. Like current had pulsed through me the instant we touched. I felt her pull back slightly, she must have felt it too, before grabbing my hair tighter and pulling me in again.

Our lips pushed and rubbed against each other, it was slow and passionate. I wanted more. I wanted to ravage her. It had been years since I'd felt her against me like this and I hated the thought that I had let her go. I started moving faster, over taking her mouth with mine. I wanted her to know that I wanted control, I wanted to take her.

I moaned into her mouth our lips moved. Our kisses had become faster, more desperate. I could feel her want and desire.

I wanted her so badly. My hands traveled against her body, rubbing her curves, my teeth nipped her lips, my hands tugged on her hair, anything to be close to her.

This was better than I ever imagined.

I poked my tongue out of my mouth and slid it along her plump bottom lip. She moaned and opened her mouth wider as she kissed me.

All the sounds she was making were sexy as hell, I was more aroused than I had been in years just by now just listening to her.

I moved my arms down her body, making sure to graze the side of her boobs. I missed her so fucking much. I've never wanted anyone as much as I want her. Sliding my hands over her ass I cupped her and pulled her up. She wrapped her legs around my torso, pushing her dress up to her hips.

I wanted to look down, to see what she was wearing under there but I didn't. I waited. Self control had come easy to me recently, but she was breaking down all my barriers. It was killing me to not take a peek.

I kept kissing her as I slowly backed us into my bed, laying her down on her back and pushing my body against hers. She kept me where I was by locking her legs and arms around me.

Our kissing was getting more intense and hot, just like I was. I started sliding my hand down her back, searching for the zipper to her dress.

"Its on the side." She whispered into my mouth. Backing away from her I try and focus on getting her out of it. I struggle slightly and I hear her giggle. She drops her arms from my neck and lets her legs fall to the bed.

"Are you sure?" I asked, hoping like hell she'd say yes, my fingers on her zipper. I wondered what she had on underneath this dress?

"Yes, Edward." I carefully and very slowly unzipped her dress, making sure to keep my eyes locked on hers. When I got to the bottom I peeled it off her, she arched her back in a way that made me want to take her right there. I slowly saw her white lingerie pop into view. Holy fuck. She was wearing the tiniest lace bra and matching panties I had ever seen. I let myself look her over, finally able to see what she was actually wearing.

"Wow."

"What?"

"Isabella, you're killing me." I groaned as my eyes hovered over the white lace covering her pussy.

She was bare, you could tell. She had never been like that with me, I never cared either. I loved her no matter what, but seeing her bare pussy would throw me over the edge into the abyss. I took my fingers and traced them down her body, from her collarbone to her hips I heard her whimper when I started the process again, collarbone to hips. I know she wanted me to go lower but I wanted to tease a little bit.

I wanted to get her as wet as possible.

"I need you." She whispered, her breath coming out fast and quick. I was getting her aroused, good.

"You'll have me, but not tonight."

"What?" She was trying to come out of the haze I had left her in, questioning my motives.

"I want to spoil you tonight, make you feel good." I paused, looking at her eyes, they were hooded and dark green. "Can you let me do that?"

"Mmmm" She said as she sat up, her face level with my chest. I couldn't stop staring at her body. Her pale skin against snow white lace seemed to pure and innocent. The thoughts running through my head were anything but.

"Will you let me taste you, Isabella?" My voice was low and rough, I wanted her.

"Yes." She breathed, her eyes closing as I unhooked her bra and slowly pulled it off her, exposing her small breasts and rosy pink nipples.

"Lay down for me, please." I murmured, unable to look away from her milky skin as she laid down.

Hovering my body over hers I kissed my way down her body, stopping just before the lace panties which I wanted so badly to just rip off of her.

Taking one of my fingers I rubbed it up and down against her center. She jolted at the pressure and moaned, grabbing at the covers around her. I kept going, feeling her wetness under the lace.

"So wet already, baby." My fingers kept their pattern of moving along her, slow and steady. My other hand began traveling everywhere on her creamy skin. Her nipples were taut and begging to be kissed, I couldn't help myself from taking one in my mouth . Her breathing stopped for a moment and then picked up heavier and faster. I bit down slightly before switching to the other. She was pushing herself against my mouth, raising her chest, asking for more. _I'd give her more. _I flicked my tongue against her before sucking her nipple back into my mouth. I felt her shake against me.

I listened to her breathing, shaky and heavy. I loved it. I loved her reaction to me. I wanted to make her feel good, I wanted to make her remember me, remember us. What we had and what we could have.

Taking my lips off her I bent down and curled my fingers into her panties, I felt her tense up. Looking at her eyes I saw there was no hesitation in them, just desire.

Pulling them down her smooth legs her bare pussy came into view and my cock twitched. I bet she was still so tight, wet and hot. She had always tasted so sweet, I couldn't wait to taste her again. My tongue flicked out to lick my lips and I heard her moan. She knew what was coming. I got on my knees at the edge of the bed, pushing my arms under her legs.

"I love you." I whispered one last time, I couldn't stop myself.

"I love you too." I heard her mumble.

I pulled her knees up so her legs were bent and I spread her apart. I wanted to be able to see all of her. Her pussy was tiny and so very fucking wet. I took one finger and dragged it up and down before sliding it inside of her. She was tighter than ever. I heard her moan at my finger inside her, moving against her walls. She was getting off on my fingers, on me, no one else.

Her whimpers and cries were getting increasingly louder as I pumped the one finger in and out. She kept lifting her head to see me, her mossy eyes connecting with mine before her head would fall back against the bed.

As I went to push two fingers inside her I bent forward and flicked my tongue against her clit, causing her entire body to shake. Her back arched off the bed as my tongue flicked and slid around her. I kept pushing my fingers deeper and deeper inside her.

I dragged my tongue up and down as my fingers continued to move, she was writhing beneath me. I loved what I could do to her, how I could make her feel just with my fingers and mouth. I pushed my mouth into her pussy, sucking and pulling on her even harder.

Pulling my fingers out, I slid my tongue inside her to explore. My hands moved up her body and to her chest, pinching and massaging her. I felt her body tighten, her sounds changed to a lower more animalistic moan and I knew she was getting close.

"Yes baby, come for me." I mumbled against her as I push my fingers back inside her. "Come on my fingers, against my tongue. Let go." I curl my fingers, hitting her spot, as I flick and suck at her clit once again.

She begins to tighten around my fingers and I hear my name spill off her lips. She's moaning and screaming my name, coming on my fingers and I don't stop. I push inside her repeatedly, never slowing down.

**A/N: **What did you think of that lemonade? Do you think it really happened?

Do you like Epov?

Send me your thoughts! I'm dying to know what you all think of this!


	7. Dreaming

**A/N: **Edward has a very active imagination ;) Thank you to NJSilla for your help.

Hint: Italics are flashback.

_Edward_

I woke up to someone kicking my leg.

What the hell?

Who would be kicking me?

They woke me up out of the best dream, full of Isabella.

My eyes peeked open and I saw a mess of dark curls in front of me.

What?

That's not possible.

Isabella.

She stayed, she's still here. I wasn't sure she would, I thought she'd leave once I fell asleep. She didn't though, she's still here.

And she's wrapped around me. Our bodies are tangled together.

I was just having the best dream about her.

A wave of disappointment washed over me as my brain began connecting the dots.

It all made sense now.

I wondered why my dream had been so vivid.

It had been perfect, too perfect.

She had said she didn't want him, she never wanted him. She had thrown her ring to the ground, showing me her commitment. I loved seeing it fall to the floor. I loved that her finger was bare for once. I loved that the ring was not staring at me, reminding me of what I had given up and lost. She had told me she wouldn't get married on Saturday, that she would leave him.

She told me she loved me.

But it wasn't real. It was a figment of my imagination. I hadn't had a good dream about us since I left, they were always sad or scary and left me waking up in a cold sweat. This had been different, this had been incredible.

Why couldn't that all be real? Why couldn't that have happened?

I wrapped my arms tighter around her and she snuggled in closer to me. I love the feeling of her against me, I miss this so much. I miss her so much.

_What was she trying to do to me?_

_I couldn't handle this, I'm trying to be somewhat good. Somewhat respectable. If I was Mike I would hate me. I have his fiancé in my room, I've just told her I love her and want her to come back to me. She tries to kiss me and I deny her._

_It doesn't even make sense to me, I should be letting her kiss me. She has all the power, she can do whatever she wants with me but I don't want to get my heart broken either. I want to be able to walk away from this if I need to. If I kiss her again, press my lips against hers again, I wont be able to. Who am I kidding, theres no way I can walk out of this situation unscathed. I have always been in too deep with her, I love her._

_"Kiss me."_

_"Isabella, I can't."_

_"Edward, " Her hands came up behind my neck, one grasping my hair. It was becoming so difficult to turn her down over and over. I know she wanted to kiss me, I wanted it so badly as well. "Don't break me again, please."_

_"I never wanted to hurt you, baby. I promise you. I never want to again either. "_

_"Then don't."_

_"I can't kiss you."_

_"Why?"_

_I paused. Should I really tell her why? Yes, she deserved that much of me._

_"I know the second my lips touch yours it will be like I never left, like I've always had you. I should have always had you." I paused, reminiscing of the times I've had her. Why did I ever let her go? " I will always want you Isabella but the second our lips touch I will be insatiable. I know it. I will want to kiss you, touch you, do anything and everything to you. It will be impossible for me to stop." I heard her breathing hitch, I wondered if she agreed with me on that or if she just wanted to kiss me for fun._

_"I don't want you to kiss me and then leave me for him. I know I've hurt you, I will be sorry forever, but I'm hurt too and I can't handle that. I won't be able to handle you leaving me. I'm such a fucking hypocrite, but it's the truth, and you deserve the truth from me always. You deserve so much better than me. You shouldn't even be with me right now, I'm bad for you."_

_"No you're not. Don't say that."_

_"I'll always love you Isabella, I swear to you."_

This is where my dream had taken over in my head, re-creating the perfect response to everything I had said. It had felt so real, her body against mine, her lips pressed against mine. I felt it. I wanted it.

Everything I wished she would say to me.

Everything I wished I could do to her.

The side of me that wanted to not only love her but worship her body came out. Oh, how I would love to lay her down across my bed like that once again. It feels like I haven't been with like that in so long, but I suppose it has. It's been years.

It's my fault.

I left her. I messed everything up.

I never should have done that.

As much as I wish my dream could have happened, we did get a lot out last night that we needed to.

"_You really do love me." She said, her hands still intertwined in my hair._

"_Yes, of course I do. I never stopped, Isabella." She smiled weakly at me, tears coming to her eyes. She dropped her arms from my neck, I wanted them back there immediately._

"_I really wish you would have told me that before you left." She mumbled, probably not wanting me to hear. Moving away from me a few more inches, was she done trying to kiss me? As much as I wanted her to stop I also wanted her to keep trying. It meant that she still wanted me. God, I wanted her._

"_I should have." I don't know how but we had changed the mood in the room. It wasn't lustful anymore, it was reminiscent and sad._

"_You left me," Hearing her say that I left her just killed me. It killed me._ "for_a long time, Edward."_

"_I'm sorry." I whispered at her, I didn't know what else to say. I was lost for words to bring her back to me, to make her see what I needed her. "I completely regret ever leaving your side."_

"_You don't know how much I wanted you to come back and just- just say things like that. Make everything just go away."_

"_I know. I didn't realize at the time that I was leaving the one I couldn't live without. " I wasn't trying to make it harder on her, I just needed to know if my effort was taking me somewhere. If I was actually doing something that made sense or if I had just confused her further. All I wanted to say was ; I'm here now, does that count for anything?_

"_I thought you hated me."_

"_What?" I couldn't believe that, with all the times I had told her that I loved her, told her how much she meant to be. Could that all be shattered with one action?_

"_You left and you didn't say a word, you just vanished. I assumed you'd found something better, moved on, just decided to get rid of me. It made more sense to think you hated me than still loved me."_

"_I could never hate you baby, ever."_

"_I didn't know that." The tears began to spill down her face. I reached up and wiped a few away with my fingers. She flinched away from me at first but then allowed me to continue._

"_Do you not see how hard this is for me?" She paused. "You left and my mom died. I lost two of the most important people in my life. My entire world just crashed that week." She paused, I could hear her choking up, see the tears forming in her eyes. She kept avoiding looking directly at me, she would focus on the floor or my chest or my hair but never my eyes._

"_I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you." I moved forward, wrapping my arms around her tightly. She didn't push me away, instead she buried her head in my chest. I could hear the muffled sounds of her crying. My heart squeezed._

"_I don't know what to do." She spoke. I don't know if she meant it as a question or if it was rhetorical._

"_Do whatever makes you happy. If being with Mike is what you want then I'll get out of the way. If you want to be with me, I'm here. I just want you to be happy Isabella."_

"_Stop." She pushed away from me and covered her face with her hands. "I want you, you must know that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't." She was right. I watched her back up and sit on the edge of my bed._

"_I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. I know I say 'sorry' so much but I cant help it. I feel like I can never say it enough, I feel like I can never tell you how sorry I am." I wanted to tell her why I left but I couldn't, not yet at least. She wasn't ready. I wasn't ready._

_We sat in silence for a few minutes, she twisted her fingers together repeatedly and I just stood there, my mind was racing._

"_Have you talked to him since?" I whispered, barely able to hear it myself. I did it without thinking, I was afraid to ask but I couldn't help it. It was on my mind and I needed to know. She didn't know what I knew about it, you could see it on her face that she was surprised._

"_No. Jacob can rot in jail for all I fucking care." Her voice was hard, she sounded so different when she spoke of him, so angry. "I hope he dies in there."_

"_Really?"_

"_Edward, he killed my mom. I hate him. I know you were friends with him before but hes different now. I mean, how could I forgive him?" I hadn't seen her like this before, I hadn't been around to see the aftermath of her moms death. I have so many regrets. When my parents found out and immediately called me, telling me that Jacob had been driving his car and hit Renee and went to jail. They wouldn't give me details, saying they didn't know or couldn't find out. I think its because they wanted me to come back and they figured if my curiosity won over, I'd be home. It didn't work. I hadn't come back until now._

"_Yeah, I understand." What else was I to say? Jacob and I were very close friends. We always had been. I looked at her and I could tell her eyes were in a different place, she was probably remembering things she shouldn't._

"_I don't want to talk about that anymore."_

_I noticed that I couldn't stop staring at her lips, I had been watching them for a few minutes now. A quick glance at her eyes made me realize she was staring at mine too. I wanted to kiss her, I really did. I ran my fingers down her cheek, rubbing my thumb over her bottom lip. I heard her breath hitch and my eyes flashed up to hers. "Do you still want me to kiss you? Because I really do want to."_

_I put my hands on either side of her face and stared directly into her beautiful green eyes._

"_I want to leave him." Before she finished her sentence I had pressed my lips to hers. The spark between us erupted. I felt her hands immediately reach up into my hair. This kiss was a million times better than my dream, feeling her soft lips moving against mine, her body pressed against me. I felt her tongue peek through her lips and I instantly opened mine and slid my tongue against hers. I could feel my lips overtaking hers, covering her mouth with each kiss._

**A/N:** So what do you think of what ACTUALLY happened ;)

Please leave me a review & let me know your thoughts

Reviews are better than Edward kissing you.


	8. Player

**A/N **Pretty please re read ch's 6&7 (again) before reading this, I have edited them and they have changed slightly. Plus me not updating in forever I'm sure some of you have forgotten what is going on ;)Grab something to punch while reading this..I've heard it helps..

_Mike_

"Where is she?" I screamed at Emmett. I was pissed off that my fiancé had left our rehearsal dinner without saying a fucking word to me.

Why would she do that?

Bella isn't the type to just fucking run away from me. She knows she is mine. I bet it's that fucking douche bag ex boyfriend of hers. Controlling prick.

Actually now that I think about it, I haven't seen him around either.

Which is good because if I do I will fucking kill him. I swear. He's fucked her up so much and he doesn't even realize it.

What does he think he's doing showing up here tonight?

She says she invited him but my Bella wouldn't do that. She wouldn't go behind my back to invite someone like him. She won't even speak about him or her past around me. She's scared of him, I think.

He must have heard from his fucking parents about tonight. That has to be the reason that he is here. There is no way that Bella invited him, I refuse to believe that for one second. She was covering for his lame ass because she didn't want me to fight him. I would have, without a fucking doubt.

His cocky attitude when he said he'd go get the invitation. Fuck off, man. You don't have one. I should have asked him to go get it, just to see him scramble when he would have to admit to the fact that he's crashing the party.

He must have figured it would be his last chance to see her before she was mine forever. I wasn't planning on letting go of her. That tight pussy of hers was an amazing fuck, like I was just going to hand that over?

I wonder if he thought he could steal her away from me? Yeah, right. The way she curls into herself whenever she thinks about her past is enough to tell me that he was a huge fuck up.

I have theories about it all, reasons that I've come up with for why she is as fucked up as she is. No matter what else I think of, I've always concluded that he must have been abusive to her. She won't speak about him or what they had, she's scared and has extreme panic attacks. She is timid and not that much into physical intimacy with me. What is that?

Girls always want me. I'm the prize they want to bring home to Mom and Dad. Yet she is different. I think she loves me, definitely. I just can't figure out the rest, but she's off. It all just leads me to believe that he abused her whether it was verbal or physical, I do not know. I will find out though. His power over her and mistakes he made are making my life very difficult.

How am I supposed to fix her? How am I supposed to take his mess and put it all back together? At one point I thought that's exactly what I wanted to do and now I just don't know. It seems like too much work.

"I think she went to Rose's house? She said something about it to her when we were dancing but I wasn't listening. Man, I can't get Rose out of my head-"

"I don't give a fuck." I pushed past him and towards the door. "Her fucking asshole of an ex boyfriend showed up and now she's missing? Does that even sound right to you? Find her."

I walk outside into the night and start looking around again. I need to know where she is. I like to keep tabs on what is mine. If a girl is with me, then they are with me. They aren't straying away, they aren't bossing me around. They are mine. This is bull shit.

I wondered if he still here, I was going to search around for him, if he was stupid enough to have stayed that is. I don't think he's stupid though. He wouldn't do that.

Taking another mans girl didn't seem like his thing. Trust me, I could spot someone like that from a mile away. I have been that guy many times before. I enjoyed the hunt, the thrill of getting her to fall for me and away from her boyfriend. I had always been the type to roam around, never really settle. When I first met Bella, I wanted her. She was beautiful. Smart. Funny. I wanted her in a different way than I had wanted girls before. There was something about her that intrigued me. I wanted more, I wanted to see what was behind those green eyes, under those baggy clothes. More of me wanted to know how it felt to have her riding my dick, sucking me off. I just had all these wants and needs and they all involved her. I wonder if the thrill of the hunt had taken over once again and that's why I found Bella to be so interesting? Thinking that I could pursue the one with her walls up, break them down. Mold her into something I wanted like I had done before with so many other girls. She was and is like the ultimate challenge with all her issues.

I dropped everything and everyone when I met her, wanting to focus on her and only her. I wondered if it was finally time for me to be in a committed relationship, one where I could fuck one girl only.

Then I realized that I had gotten in over my head, that there was more to her than just a superficial ex that I could pull her away from. There was this dark side to this beautiful girl. She had nightmares, waking up screaming in her dreams. She would be depressed and quiet. She would close off interactions with me, wanting to be alone. She would freak out at the littlest things that apparently sparked the dark past she had.

I tried to help her at first, pull things out of her and see what I could do. I'm not heartless. It was annoying and tedious though. There's only so much crying and pushing away I can handle. I knew her mom had died and that she had an ex and things had ended badly. I had tried to get more out of her and failed.

She would never sleep and even though I would tell her I'd stay awake she would always tell me to just go to bed. That she was fine. I knew she wasn't but I went to bed anyways.

That's when it started.

I went back to my old ways, the old me.

I guess it had always been there but I had a softer side to myself when I was with her. That side has stuck around but only for show.

The old me was defintiely pushing itself through.

I had kept it at bay, thinking I needed someone like Bella. She was my punishment for all the girls I'd fucked and left before they woke up. For all the dates I'd stood up. For any horrible thing I had done.

The thing was, I wanted to go back to my old ways. I wanted out.

I couldn't get out though. There was no going back now.

I had to make a decision and make it fast.

I needed to realize that I had stayed in this relationship, putting up with all her bullshit for a reason.

That I needed Bella for more than one reason.

She did make me a better person when I was with her, I always treated her with respect. I was the polite gentleman that women wanted. I knew what I was supposed to do.

I had told myself I would stay with her for those reasons. That maybe in time she could make me the man that I am supposed to be.

I would also stay with her for a reason that I will never voice.

She's amazing for my image, my reputation, my job, my family.

She makes me look good.

She's the girl you bring home to your parents. She's the one that you want to show off to your friends because she's pretty, petite and yet curvy in the right places and has that girl next door type of look to her. She looks innocent and tame, sweet and quiet. She is all these things, without a doubt. Bringing her to home was easy as pie. Having her at work functions is brilliant. She makes me look good. I make her look good. We're perfect together.

So I don't give a fuck that I keep her around for reasons that are more about materialistic, pride and self image. I take care of her, I treat her nicely, I buy her pretty things, I tell her she's beautiful. I do everything I am supposed to and just a few things that I'm not.

Things like Sarah and Ashley and currently Jessica.

I walk back into the party and find Emmett, pulling him into the hallway I yelled at Bella in not so long ago. "Have you heard anything about her? Did anyone hear about where she went?"

"Rose said that Bella told her she's staying there tonight."

"Great. Whatever, I'm calling her. She left without saying bye to her almost husband, what the fuck is that?"

"I don't know man but don't overreact, she did look stressed tonight." Yeah because her fucked up ex was here gallivanting around and trying to take advantage of what is mine.

I grab my phone out of my pocket and dial her number. Now I can figure out where the fuck she is instead of sending out a damn search party.

"Hello?" I hear her voice, its sarcastic and dry. What the hell?

"Bella?" Is she serious right now?

"Yes."

"Where did you go?" I should probably play this differently but I can't, I'm frustrated. I'm demanding and bossy.

"I'm at Rosalie's." She answers in a way that says _you should know that._ I shouldn't know that though because she never told me she left.

"Now? The party is still going."

"Yes, I know." Her short answers and clipped tone are bothering me. I know we didn't exactly have the best conversation the last time I saw her but I figured she'd get over it pretty quickly. She usually does.

"When I saw you leave the hotel I ran outside to try to find you, where did you go?"

"To my car and then I drove here." That can't be true.

"I saw your car though, you weren't in it." I call her out. I shouldn't though, I'm instigating another fight right now but I can't bring myself to care. Chances of getting pussy from her tonight have already gone down substantially.

"Well, what do you want me to tell you Mike? I left, got in my car and drove here." Fuck. She's annoyed, she's angry with me still and I'm just digging myself further into a hole.

"You're mad at me aren't you. That's why you left." It has to be, there really is no other reason. I know it's not because she seemed quite excited that he was there. All ready to defend him against anyone and everyone.

"No, that's not it. I just wasn't feeling well." I don't know if I believe her but I know I have to just let this go somewhat. It's the only way to get her to not close up on me, to not say no to me later when I want to fuck.

"I didn't mean to upset you earlier. Just the thought of that asshole coming to _our_ rehearsal dinner and dancing with you right in front of me, it's insulting." Well, not as smooth as I had planned but she needed to know.

"Mike it was nothing, we were just dancing. You took it all and blew it out of proportion. It was embarrassing. You treated me like a child, pulling me out in the hallway to talk to me, to tell me how fucked up you think I am." I didn't over react, she under reacted. He had his hands on her! Fuck. What do I do now. She's not forgiving me easy and I'm fucking pissed off. _Come on, Mike. Get it together. Focus._

"I'm sorry love, I didn't mean any of it. I swear I didn't. I was frustrated and in the moment. I really didn't like him near you, touching you. "God, he touched her. I couldn't stop the next sentence from flowing out of my mouth. "He's your ex for god's sake Bella!"

"I know but it was harmless, completely and totally. It's not like I was all over him. We were dancing. There were people all around, I wasn't trying to hide from you." True but I still hated it. Despised it. My fist clenched at the thought of him. Oh, how I wanted to damage that pretty boy face of his.

"I just didn't like it." I paused, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. I could handle him without getting into a fight with Bella. I would just do it man to man. He would respect that. I bet he's the type to never back down from a fight, just like myself. Except, I never lose. "Bells I miss you. I'm just going to come and see you."

I would just go to Rosalie's now and see her. I'd apologize a million more times because she would make me. She would need reassurance up the fucking ass until she'd finally let me fuck her. Make up sex was never the best with her, like it is with some women, but I didn't give a fuck. Sex was sex. Pussy was pussy.

"No!" She almost yelled at me.

"What?" She didn't want me to go to see her? What the fuck?

"I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to see you its just.. Please, just go with Emmett for tonight. Or stay at home, either one. I am frustrated and I don't want to be angry with you. Plus this will work out better anyways." Well this was interesting. She really didn't want me there? _Keep cool, Mike. Play it like you always do. Make her want you. She loves you, she won't want you to leave her, she'll get over this argument. _

"But Bells, I want to be there for you. I don't want to fight with you before our wedding. I want everything to be good." I tried again, I really did want the sex. I mean as boring as she was, she was tight as fuck.

"It is. We're fine. I just-"

"You don't want me there?" I answered for her. She didn't want me there and she couldn't just straight up tell me. Even with her stand-off tendencies this was very odd.

"That's not it. I just, I'm not feeling well. I'm drinking some tea and then I need to get a good night's sleep before tomorrow. I want to make sure everything is perfect."

"Bells are you sure, you seem stressed?" I'm trying to rein in my asshole tendencies so that I can get her back on my side. I feel like she's drifting away from me.

"Of course I'm stressed we're getting married in two days. Not even, one day." I am so glad I didn't have to deal with all those girly details. I only agreed to help with a few things and only things that were absolutely necessary. Everything else was up to her, I could give a shit.

"I know but I hate to have you like that."

"I'm fine. We have a lot to do and I just have a lot on my mind. I'll be getting into bed in just a few minutes, it would be pointless." _Getting into bed without me, you better not touch yourself Bella._

"Are you sure?" Giving one last chance for her to change her mind.

"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay baby, I love you."

"Love you too." She loves me.

"I cant wait till you're my wife." Sliding that in, trying to give me some kudos points for later on. Letting her know that I wanted her to be my wife, that I couldn't wait.

"I can't wait either." Good, she was content with all of this. She would be my wife soon and then we wouldn't have any of this bull shit going on. No ex boyfriends would be coming onto my turf, I would finally have complete control.

"Goodnight."

"Night." I hung up with the satisfaction that I had somewhat cleaned up the mess I had created with her. She would be over it all by morning and we could move forward.

I do love her, I mean part of me does, right?

I don't know, who cares?

I love what she does for me and my image.

There's just a part of me who is addicted to the dirty bad girl that I wanted her to become, the one I thought was buried inside of her like it is in most girls. Apparently not her though.

Doesn't matter anyways. I'm a resourceful man, I know how to get what I want.

I look down at my phone and immediately open my messages.

Yes.

I need to.

She's at the top of the list.

I send off the text, knowing she'll respond within seconds.

**M: Hey**

When I hear the phone ring in my hand I look down and I'm right, there she is.

**J: Hey you**

Always so responsive. I love it.

**M: Tonight?**

**J: You're free? Thought you were off getting married.**

Oh, she thinks she's funny? Whatever, I don't even give a fuck right now.

**M: No, not till Saturday.**

I don't even bother with a witty comeback. I know I'll get what I want tonight.

**J: Meet me at my place in an hour.**

I text her back as I walk up the stairs to shower and change, taking off my jacket and unbuttoning my pants as I move.

**M: See you then.**

**A/N: **I'm sure you have an idea of who "J" is… a penny for your thoughts?


	9. Confusion

**A/N: I can't believe how many people have been putting this story on alert! Thank you! **

**Bella is very scattered with her emotions and her decision making skills so pretty please bare with her.**

I want to do a soundtrack for this fic because I have so many good songs for it. For this chapter, if you'd like to, listen to;** Falling by The Civil Wars**

_Bella_

"_Edward," My breathing is heavy as I back away, pulling my lips from his. The electricity buzzing between us dies, the pain in my chest comes back full force. "No. I can't. I'm so sorry." _

_I feel the tears well up in my eyes as my legs hit the foot of his bed, stopping me. _

_My fingers trace my lips, feeling where he had just been. _

_What am I doing? I just told him I wanted to leave Mike, now I'm saying I can't. I'm saying No. I'm telling Edward no. What the hell, Bella?_

_I want him, I promise I do. I just, I can't just leave Mike. That's wrong. You don't do that to someone you love, or kind of love, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know that what I have with Mike isn't as powerful as Edward but I can't just leave him because of it. Mike has never left me, Edward has. That's the problem though, I can't figure out what to do._

_I want Edward. I should want Mike._

"_Fuck." He whispers. I don't dare look up, I don't want to see the look on his face. "Isabella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you. I shouldn't have even touched you." _

_I freeze, my breathing stops, the way he says touched makes it sound so dirty and wrong. I'm confused. I was the one who begged him to kiss me. I want him, can't he see that? I know that he can._

_No, I'm just not supposed to want him anymore. _

_But I do want it. Badly._

_Doesn't he realize how complicated this is for me? What am I supposed to do? My mind can't wrap around this, any of this. I feel like my head is spinning and my heart screaming at me but I can't hear what its saying. I'm lost. Drowning in my own mix of confusion, pain and heartbreak._

_My cheeks are coated in tears as I stand there, staring at the floor, tangling my hands together. Does he regret it? Wish he hadn't given in? Wished he could take it all back? Of course he does, he just said it._

_Why does that bother me so much? Why does it hurt to think that he doesn't want me? Isn't that what I want? Isn't that why I pulled away? I'm the one that stopped it. I should be happy._

_I'm going to be married to Mike, I'm not supposed to be with Edward. I'm not supposed to have feelings for him. I'm not supposed to be at his house, in his room, begging him to kiss me. _

"_Please forgive me." His voice is soft and full of pain. _

_I feel like I'm going to be sick as the realization of what just occurred comes flowing into my mind._

_I'm a whore._

_Slut._

_Unfaithful._

_Cheater._

_I'm confused._

_I'm using him._

_I'm trying to have everything I want when its not possible. _

_I can't have Edward and marry Mike. _

_I'm destroying everything. _

_Everything is falling to pieces._

"_Why are you sorry!" I try to yell but my voice squeaks as more tears go streaking down my face. I hate how much I want to touch him and feel the relief from the pain that only he can provide. He has become my medication, my drug. I want to feel the way he closes the hole in my heart, the way he makes me happy. _

_I hate it that he can do that. _

_But I love it more. _

"_I'll take you home." He turns away from me, walking towards the door._

"_No!"_

"_Isabella, stop." I see his fists clench at his sides._

"_You stop!" I wish my voice sounded more commanding. " You didn't take advantage of me, I wanted you to kiss me."_

"_Really?" He flips around, his green eyes are wild._

"_Then what did you mean when you pulled away from me? Told me no?" His voice had a bitterness to it I hadn't heard before. "You are going to be married in less than two days Isabella, I know that. I'm fully aware. You don't need to worry though, I won't do that again."_

_His eyes soften at his last words, his hands fall out of their fists, his back hunches over. "You'll be safe from me."_

_I don't want to be safe from him. _

Licking my lips I swear I could still taste him on me. All I could remember was his hot mouth against mine. I tangled my hands into his hair, pulling his soft wavy locks. I slid my tongue against his lips, making him let me in. I felt his lips covering mine, overpowering me in the best way. Our bodies pressed together as tingles flooded through me. Feeling his hot tongue rubbing against mine was driving me insane. I hadn't felt him like this in so many years. I don't think I realized how much I had missed it.

But it never went past the kiss. It was only a few glorious seconds before I destroyed it.

I couldn't do it. I shouldn't be doing it.

Something in my subconscious had been screaming at me, warning me against my actions.

I'm about to be married. Mike loves me. Mike wants a life with me, he never left me.

Edward had left me.

Remembering the hurt he caused me when he left helped me to stay strong, until I looked into his eyes. Pushing him away was the last thing I should have done, it hadn't affected only me, but him as well.

He looked angry, hurt, frustrated, defeated. I had done that to him, I kept messing everything up.

It didn't matter anymore though. _I had made my bed, getting engaged to Mike, now I had to lie in it. _

We fought for a minute about him taking me home. I didn't want to go home, I wanted to stay with him. I had escaped my fiancé and lied to my best friend to be with him. I wasn't about to go back to them and ruin it all. I wanted to be with him for tonight. It might be the last night I'll ever get to see him, the thought of that made my heart fall. I hoped it wasn't. Though if it was, I didn't want to waste it.

I remember him telling me that he would sleep on the floor and I could have his bed. I immediately refused. I wasn't about to let him sleep on the floor. I told him that two adults could sleep in the same bed without there being a problem. _It was my last night with him. _

People did that sometimes, right?

I'll never admit I just wanted to be close to him, I wanted to see if being near him would take away the memories, the nightmares. I hoped and prayed he would be able to take them away. Yet, at the same time I didn't want him to be the cure. If he was the cure, it would be like a curse on me. Give the person I can't have the power to heal me, to make me better, to make me able to live again.

After giving me some clothes to sleep in, since the white strapless dress didn't seem appropriate, he became very distant once again. I noticed that he wouldn't look me in the eyes, he wouldn't talk to me and he would purposefully stay away from me. I hated it. I know I didn't deserve his attention but I craved it, I needed it. I tried a few times to get him to look at me, talk to me , anything. It all failed miserably and I went to change.

When I came back from the bathroom, wearing just the t shirt he had provided and putting the boxers back on the floor, his eyes locked on me. I gasped at the dark green piercing through me. His shirt might have seemed more provocative than I had originally planned but now I didn't care. I had his attention. I loved how I felt wearing his clothes, they smelled just like him. It was comforting, relaxing, it felt right.

Mike would kill me if he saw what I was wearing right now. I shouldn't be in another man's clothes. I shouldn't be only in another mans shirt and my lingerie underneath. It was wrong. Yet I couldn't stop.

I was probably giving him whiplash with every emotion I was throwing at him. I really hadn't thought about what it would look like if I came back into his room wearing only his shirt and the lingerie I had underneath.

The only thing that made me feel better about it was that he didn't know about the lingerie. I caught his eyes on my legs a few times, It bothered me how much I wanted to show him the white lace.

His eyes looked dark but different than a few minutes ago, now they were hungrier. I thought I might have pulled the Edward back that had been with me earlier, before I fucked it up. Before I stopped doing the one thing I want the most.

_No Bella, you want Mike. You love Mike._

I was wrong though. His eyes lingered on my legs, my body covered in his shirt and then on my eyes for only a second before the coldness came back. My Edward was locked away once again.

He put a pillow between us as he crawled into bed, immediately turning his back to me. I heard his breathing, low and shallow, just like mine. I hated that this is what we've become, that this is what we are.

It reflected this point our lives. So close together yet so far apart.

I remember falling asleep to a tear soaked pillow, burying my hands under my chest to prevent myself from touching him. That had obviously not worked for either of us.

XXX

Waking up tangled up in Edward was wrong. My legs were intertwined with his, my arm across his stomach, my head on his chest. Where had the pillow gone? What about him pushing me away? Keeping me safe from him? I couldn't even bring myself to care about any of that because I had no nightmares last night. I had no trouble sleeping. Nothing. It was the first night of sleep I've had since my mom died that didn't include screaming, shaking or closing myself into a ball. The only thing that had changed was Edward.

_Edward took the pain away._

_Yet he had so easily caused it. _

Getting out of bed I grabbed my things, leaving his shirt on the floor. I tip toed my way down the stairs, seeing the kitchen clock reading six am. Sneaking out of his house is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I really hoped neither of his parents were early morning people, this would be so hard to explain.

I couldn't stay wrapped up in him though, that was wrong. Truthfully, I don't even know how we ended up like that. Maybe it was our souls conspiring against us, pushing us together when we were already ripped apart.

I stepped out into the cool morning air and felt the pain spread through my chest. I hated leaving him, I hated having things end, again. What did I expect though, what did I think could come of this? I don't know what I was thinking last night when I was so determined to come see him. Did I really think that it was going to make everything better? Did I expect Mike to call me and be like _Yes, be with him._

I don't even know anymore.

I grabbed my shoes out of his car and started my walk back to mine.

I wondered if anyone saw me as I walked barefoot, at sunrise, to my car. Quite the walk of shame.

Every step of the way all I could think of was Edward. How he made me feel, how I felt waking up with him, how his lips felt, how his body felt, how his eyes looked when I pulled away.

My emotions were on a roller coaster as I walked across the cool pavement. I pulled on the sweatshirt in my hands, the one I had chosen to ignore until that point. Almost like I had thought that if I wasn't wearing it I hadn't stolen it.

It was dark blue.

Smelled like cigarettes, beer and laundry.

It was Edwards.

I know I shouldn't have taken it. I hoped he wouldn't notice, at least until I could find a way to get it back to him. I just, I couldn't leave without something from him. I had made myself believe it was because it was cold outside and I didn't want to catch a cold before my wedding. That seemed like a very legitimate reason for my urge to grab it.

My care was a lot further than I had originally planned, it took me a half hour.

Turning on the car and blasting the heat I got another rush of Edwards scent. I pulled my hands up and covered my face with his sweatshirt. I shouldn't have taken it, it will only make this harder.

XXX

Pulling into my driveway I noticed that Mike's car was gone.

That was weird?

It was almost six thirty am, where would he be this early?

I guess it didn't matter because I was still wearing Edwards sweatshirt and that wasn't something I wanted him to see me in. I pulled it off, just in case, and walked into the house.

"Mike?" I yelled, making sure he was gone. No one answered. I was alone. I felt myself start to break down as I walked up the stairs to my bedroom.

I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes as my feet dragged me down the hallway. I could feel my breathing pick up, getting heavier and harder. My chest felt like tight and painful.

The pain I had felt before seeing Edward last night was nothing compared to right now. Nothing.

My hands were shaking so bad I could barely get my closet door open. I fell to my knees and started to pull things out from the bottom, shoes, bags, jeans. I threw them all to the side as I made a place in the back for Edwards sweatshirt. I couldn't risk Mike seeing it, I couldn't.

It needed to be safe, from him and me.

Edward would never know that I took it.

Mike would never know I had it.

And hopefully I would forget it was there.

XXX

"Where have you been?" I asked him as he walked in the back door. He was wearing new clothes but looked just as disheveled as if he had slept in his clothes.

"What?"

"You just got home, where have you been?" I was being casual about it, using a carefree tone that let him think I didn't care. I did though, what if he saw my car when it wasn't at Rose's.

"Out." His answer was short and his tone was clipped.

"Really?" I questioned.

"Bella, you fucking left me last night. At your rehearsal dinner." There it is. He's still mad? I really thought we had worked through this last night.

"I thought we got over this last night? Are you still on it?"

"Yes, I am. Where the hell did you go?" I realized that I had been mad at him, now he was mad at me? What?

"Don't you dare change the subject back to me! I asked you where you were!"

"I, uh, went out with some guys after the dinner was over, I figured that I wasn't going to be coming home to you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He turned on the coffee maker and pulled out a mug.

"I don't want to fight with you. We're getting married tomorrow, we should be the happiest people in the world." I'm not though. Not even close. Edward is the only thing on my mind. His sweatshirt buried in the back of my closet, I want to pull it on and let his scent take over my senses. Make me forget that I'm losing him again. That's bad. I can't think like that. _Stop._

"I know, baby." His voice now smooth and soft. He turns away from the coffee and moves closer to me. "I'm sorry. Why don't we just forget all of that."

I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and for some reason my first instinct was to push him away. I didn't want his hands on me, I didn't want him to kiss me like I knew he would. I didn't want him.

The feeling I've had with him since the day I met him, the feeling of cheating on Edward, was so strong right now that I almost couldn't breathe. I genuinely felt like I was betraying Edward and what we had. In reality I was betraying Mike just by thinking those thoughts.

_Stop Bella. Mike Is your fiancé. You just pushed Edward away for Mike, don't push Mike away for Edward._

I wanted to just shut down my entire body. Make my mind stop yelling at me, my heart stop hurting, everything. I wanted silence. I wanted peace.

I fought off the urge to shove him and let his lips push against mine. I wasn't responsive to him. I didn't really move, I let him do what he wanted. I felt his hands travel up my back, his mouth become more insistent, his hips push into me.

Usually I would put more effort into it, focus myself on him and not the feeling of cheating on Edward.

I couldn't stop thinking about Edward though, just like before. This time however, I was repeating our kiss last night. How in a few seconds he had made me feel so aroused, alive and free. Mike had never even come close to that in the time we had been together.

I felt Mike start to pull away from me and my body relaxed. "I can't wait for our wedding night." He winked as he went back to his coffee.

My emotions were flipping back and forth too quickly. I should be with Mike, that's what I had promised, what I had decided. My head is telling me that it makes sense, it's the best thing for me. I made the choice and I need to stick with it, Mike would do the same for me.

My heart is screaming and burning with disagreement. My heart wants Edward, knows that he makes me feel the way that no one else can. Knows that he is the one to take away the pain that I feel when I am away from him. Knows that I've never stopped loving him, ever.

**A/N:** Poor Bella, she's so confused. What do you think of her emotional rollercoaster? She still doesn't know why Edward left..

Reviews are better than wearing Edwards sweatshirt.


	10. Phone Calls

A/N: Don't You Remember just won **You Write What! 's Fan Fiction Frenzy Contest **for **Best Twilight Fanfic!** Just wanted to say thank you to all of those who voted! I really and truly appreciate it!

This chapter is short and I am fully aware. Its like that on purpose.

_Edward_

Isabella is gone.

She left.

Without saying goodbye.

Without anything.

I woke up to a cold bed and my shirt on the floor. I felt the pain sear through my chest, bringing me back to the dark place I had been in for so long.

I know why she did it, I understand. It doesn't make it any easier though. When she pulled away from me I decided in that moment that I needed to control myself. I needed to take the reins in the situation and stop going with my heart. I wasn't dealing with the same Isabella I had left and I needed to remember that. She was different now, I was different. We had changed and yet everything was still the same.

I needed to focus and plan what my next move was because the moment she had pulled away and said no, I had snapped on her.

What did she expect from me though?

It was all so fucked up I couldn't even tell you what had really happened. We are both in such fragile positions and our emotions are flip flopping everywhere.

She wants me, she has him. She wants to leave him, but she can't.

I left her, I want her back. I want to just take her, I know that I can't.

Yet somehow I ended up pressing my lips to hers. Tasting how sweet she was. She had lured me in and then pushed me away in an instant. Then moment she said _no _was the moment she lost me. I couldn't continue, I had to stay away from her.

I didn't mean to be cold but I can't find that middle ground with her. I don't know how to just be friends with her, I want more, I always have.

She won't have to worry now though, I won't touch her again. I'll keep my hands to myself, my words in my head and my emotions in tact. At least I will try.

I need to stay focused until we both know exactly what we want out of this.

Or until she knows what she wants out of this. I already know I want her. She is what I came back for, what I'll always come back for. She just needs to decide if I'm the one for her or if she really does want to be with Mike. Until she makes that decision we can't move forward.

I know that me coming back so suddenly and only two days before her wedding isn't fair to her. I know that I'm not giving her time to think. I'm making this harder than it needed to be, I should have come back to her a long time ago. I probably could have saved us from this mess way back then.

I didn't though. I couldn't. I wasn't mentally prepared back then.

I suppose, I'm still not sure I am now.

Too late for second thoughts, I'm in this.

The scary thing for me is that all of this rides on her and her decisions in the next twenty four hours.

It kills me to know that there's a huge chance she will be off and married tomorrow. I mean, really, what are the chances that she will leave him for me? I know she says she wants to but I'm still not sure about it. Wanting to leave someone is one thing, actually doing it is another.

Right now I'm the man who left her, he's the one who saved her.

I'll just have to hope for the best and prepare myself for the worst.

There's a large possibility that I'll just be the hopeless ex boyfriend who lost her because I'm a fucking idiot.

Lost her over something so fucking stupid.

I'm such a fucking pussy.

I was then and I still am.

I had come back thinking that I would tell her why I left the moment that I got her alone. I didn't want secrets anymore and there were too many that had built up. Then when I saw her at her rehearsal dinner I didn't want to tell her. I wanted to just steal her away.

And steal her away I did.

And look where that got me.

I just don't know what to do, how to approach this. I don't know what she knows, what she had found out. From what she's said to me, she hadn't found anything out. She knows the bare minimum, just like most people do.

I need to tell her.

She needs to know the whole story.

But first, I need to talk to him.

XXX

"Jacob."

"Edward?"

"How have you been?"

"I'm in jail, how do you think?" He shook his head before speaking again. "Where the hell have you been?"

This is dangerous. I'm walking a fine line and I know it. I'm visiting Jacob in jail.

Thing is though, I had to do this. I couldn't postpone it any longer. I had been in town for almost two days and it needed to happen. No matter what anyone said to me. Since I knew I was coming back I knew I would come and see him.

Now I realized not only would he be the one to help me put the pieces together but also, the one to motivate me to tell Bella.

He was the only one that could.

Because he was the only one, other than me, that really knew what happened that night.

"I left town for a while."

"I never saw you after-"

"I couldn't face her." I mumbled to myself, this was harder than I thought. "I don't know what to do. I just got back into town and everything is already fucked up. I needed to talk to you. "

"So you came to see the guy who screwed himself over and is now in jail for it?" He had an unusual sense of humor about all of this. "Yeah, I can see where you thought that'd be a good idea." I wondered why. Maybe it was because he had accepted his fate and was going to try to make the best of it? Though, I don't see how you can make the best of jail.

"Just because I wasn't here doesn't mean I stopped being your friend."

"Oh, Edward. " His voice was high pitched, mocking me. "All that time spent away from here really turned you into a pussy huh?"

"Fuck you." He was trying not to laugh as I let a small smile escape.

"Seriously, what's wrong?"

"I have to tell her."

"Then do it."

"You don't care?"

"Of course I do. It's not like it's going to make me look any better. The thing is that I'm already in here, people already have an opinion about me. Maybe if she realizes the _situation _you were in a littlebetter, you'll be in the clear. You can get the girl, again."

"I don't think so."

"Why?"

"She's engaged to be married tomorrow to Mike Newton. It's done. I've lost her anyways."

"You don't know that."

"Trust me, I do. He's an asshole, I don't know how he treats her when she's alone with him but from what I've seen it's bad. The thing is he's got a hold on her that I can't seem to break."

"Then don't break it, crack it. Expose what needs to be seen."

XXX

Walking out of the prison and back to my car I have a million things floating through my mind. It's fully confirmed in my brain that I need to tell Isabella the truth. She deserves to know.

I knew this before going to see Jacob but having his blessing or whatever about it all seemed to set it in stone. I just need to figure out how to get to her. I can't exactly call her and say _hey meet me_. Could I? She's probably with Mike.

I'll just text her.

**E: Hey Isabella, I need to see you.**

As I type it into my phone I can feel my entire body tense up. I don't hit send.

If Mike saw this, he would immediately think the worst but I can't write what I want to say to her. I don't want her to know what I'm going to tell her before I tell her. Does that even make sense? Fuck.

Maybe I should just call her. Then there's no evidence other than a missed call, right? That could be innocent, I could cover that easy.

I erase the text and dial her number.

_Ring._

Please answer.

_Ring._

Please.

_Ring._

_Ring._

She's not answering.

It goes to voicemail.

Do I leave a message?

"Hey it's Bella, leave me your name and number and I'll call you back!"

_Beep! _I hesitate, my voice stuck in my throat.

"Hey uh- it's Edward. Could you call me back when you get this? Please? " I hang up before letting myself say anything else and throw phone onto the seat beside me.

I slam my hands against my steering wheel. Of course this can't go smoothly. Of course I can't just tell her and get it over with. Things always have to be complicated. Fuck complicated.

I drive away from the prison , heading back towards my parents house. I need a new plan and fast.

My mind is racing with ideas as my phone starts to ring on the seat next to me, my mind immediately prays that its Bella.

I pick it up and glace at the number, I don't recognize it. What if its her on someone else's phone?

"Hello?"

"Is this Edward?" It's a man's voice. Not good.

"Yes, who is this?" I think I already know, but playing stupid seems like the better option.

"It's Mike, you know, your ex girlfriends fiancé." He emphasizes _ex girlfriend_ as if I didn't already know.

"Hello Mike, what's up?" I'm trying to be neutral. There is obviously something in this man that Isabella liked or she wouldn't be marrying him, she wouldn't have pushed me away.

Though, there must be something wrong because she defended me last night and ran away from him.

"I'd like to talk to you." The change in tone of his voice tells me there is more to this than just talking. He probably hates me, I wouldn't doubt it. I hate him. That would just make us even. "Could you meet me?"

"Where?"

**A/N:** Sorry for the cliff hanger, more is coming soon!

You might want to put an alert on this, if you haven't already, because as much as I am going to try to update weekly…I'm horrible at it. Sorry in advance ;)

Reviews are better than being in jail..obviously.


	11. Private

**A/N:** Thanks to Melmo2632 from StrictlyRobsten I have a webpage for my fanfic's! Exciting, huh? Check it out: **bellaclary . wordpress . com - **Go there to find teasers, soundtracks, edits, dream casts and more!

Song: Low by Kelly Clarkson

_Bella_

"Alice, I really don't feel like eating." I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to get todays wedding preparations over with and go back to bed. Just sleep until I have to say _I do._

"We're only going to the diner, just get a cup of coffee if you're going to be like that." She scoffed as we hopped into her car. I never thought that reality could be worse than my dreams but either way I am losing Edward.

I guess it's just harder to bare in reality because I know I could do something about and I'm not. I know I should probably just tell Alice what is going on, let her walk me through it, but I can't. She already has her skewed opinion of Edward and I don't want to hear it. She'd say things like _Mike is so good to you. He would do anything for you. I would die to have what you have with Mike. You're going to be happy for the rest of your lives. This is just a bump in the road, part of your past coming back to haunt you._

She's said it all before and I don't doubt her willingness to remind me of it all again.

The problem is that after this morning's events with Mike, I've realized I just want Edward. I don't want Mike to be the one to tell me he loves me and kiss me every day forever. I want Edward. I just need to figure out how to get him. I can't tell Alice any of that. At least not yet.

Pulling into the diner I felt my phone vibrate. It was probably Mike. I left my purse on the floor and grabbed my wallet.

"Oh! Look its Esme and Carlisle!" Alice squealed as we walked into the diner, my entire body tensed. She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards their table, I scanned it quickly looking to see how many people were with them, any sign that _he_ was with them. I found nothing.

"Hi Esme! Carlisle!" It was so weird. They had always been in my life, in both our lives, since our mother died. Ever since_ he _left. Yet, I had never felt as nervous around them as I did right now. Maybe it was because I had been at their house last night and snuck out early this morning. Or the fact that I want to leave my fiancé for their son.

Alice had always loved them, even if she hates _him_. She feels like Esme is the mother she never had since she was only fifteen when our mom died five years ago. I always feel like I failed at being the older sister to her after that. When Edward left I was beyond crushed and couldn't recover, I could barely take care of myself, let alone her. She immediately tried to be the rock in the family. She stayed positive and kept dad going and would keep track of my eating and sleeping. I don't think I would have survived that first year without her. I know I wouldn't have. She even says she forgives Jake, though I can't seem to.

They both say hi to me and I smile back, still praying silently that they don't know I was at their house in the middle of the night. That would be bad. I look around the diner a few times before realizing that they're talking about the wedding. Alice is chatting while Esme asks her questions, seeming very interested. I wonder if she knew I was still in love with her son. Carlisle was focused on his phone, probably doing emails.

When I finally convinced myself that Edward wasn't going to pop out of the bathroom I join the conversation with Alice and Esme.

We sit and chat for a while, the waitress comes over and we order our drinks. I get more comfortable as I realize they don't know I was there last night, or if they do they aren't going to mention it.

When the waitress puts my coffee down I start to add my cream and sugar. I see Carlisle wave at someone behind me. I freeze, sugar packet in my hand.

"Glad you could join us." Carlisle laughs. _Please don't be Edward. Please. _

I hear the person take a few steps, I'm still frozen and I feel the buzz, the electricity. I already know who it is. _No_. I stare at Carlisle, praying that I'm wrong, praying that its someone else and I just think its him. That part of me just wants it to be him so bad that I'm hallucinating the feeling I get when I'm around him.

"Sorry, I uh- I had to go meet with- someone." His voice. I forget how much I miss it. Did I really just hear it last night? It flows through my ears, giving me butterflies in my stomach. Deliberately taking a deep breath, I focus on putting the sugar into my coffee. Trying to not look at him. He sits at the end of the table, right next to me, in the only available seat. I wait for his leg to brush mine but it doesn't.

The pain slightly numbs in his presence and I wonder why. _Touch me, Edward. Make it all go away. _

He says hello to his mom and Alice, who is cordial but I can hear the curtness in her tone. They go back to talking about my bridesmaids dresses almost instantly.

"Hello Isabella." Edward speaks softly, I notice that Carlisle is watching us.

"Hello Edward." I answer, moving my eyes carefully from my coffee to his shirt collar. Refusing once again to look into his eyes. I don't trust myself.

I miss the green.

I was so strong with him last night, trying to be confident as I pushed him away. I don't necessarily regret it, I wouldn't want to do anything while I'm engaged. I don't want anything to do with us,_ not that there will be anything_, to be tainted with my engagement to Mike. Every time I blink I see the image that is burned into the backs of my eye lids. His face after I rejected him. After I pushed him away. After I told him no.

I'm such an idiot. I just wish there was a clear cut way to decide what is happening. I feel like everything has become so jumbled every decision I make is hurting so many.

This morning, with Mike, made me realize that I'm more confused than I know. I hated him touching me. I hated kissing him. I hated that I still had sex with him before he left to go do a meeting and some last minute things at work. I hated it all.

_I wanted it to be Edward. _

_Touch me, Edward. _

I let myself glace over at him and he's not paying much attention to me. His legs haven't touched mine. His hands stay in his lap.

I want to do something intentionally to get him to touch me, feel me_. I want his skin on mine._

Just being around Edward again is making me want to run away, get out of the commotion and chaos this has all become. Just be with him. Just be Edward and Isabella like we once were.

I join the conversation with Alice and Esme, who have now thankfully switched the conversation to Alice. I wonder if the conversation change was done on purpose? If they thought talking about my wedding in front of Edward was awkward? Wrong?

I thought both.

I hated how much I just wanted him to touch me. To brush his arm against mine. I craved his touch and I realized it wasn't only because he got rid of the pain, it was because I wanted him to touch me. I needed him to. He didn't. Not once.

The entire lunch he kept to himself, talking to Carlisle or typing on his phone. I still didn't know what he did for work. That bothered me. I still didn't know a lot about him. Yet, I was so aware of him that I almost couldn't breathe.

I had to admit that he was what I wanted, what I needed. I even said last night that I wanted to leave Mike. Why couldn't I have just stuck with that this morning?

Because I panicked.

I'm still panicking.

I'm flip flopping between choices like its nothing and its not. It's a huge deal. Its my life. Its other peoples lives.

It's a wedding, or no wedding.

Someone else might think that the decision is easy. Go with Edward, you're meant for each other. Or someone else might say; go with Mike, you're engaged. Its not easy though. It's hard and terrible and puts me in the worst position possible.

The thought of leaving this entire life that I've created beyond Edward just because he came back in insane. I know he still wants me but I don't know what specifically he wants. Dating? Marriage? Kids?

I know he loves me. My mind travels back to last night, to the words he spoke.

_"I don't want you to kiss me and then leave me for him. I know I've hurt you, I will be sorry forever, but I'm hurt too and I can't handle that. I won't be able to handle you leaving me. I'm such a fucking hypocrite, but it's the truth, and you deserve the truth from me always. You deserve so much better than me. You shouldn't even be with me right now, I'm bad for you."_

_"No you're not. Don't say that."_

_"I'll always love you Isabella, I swear to you."_

I close my eyes at the memory. Was that really only last night? Did he mean it? Of course he meant it.

He wants me, he does. _Believe it, Bella. Come on._

If I hadn't pushed him away we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

Have I already made my decision then? Yes. Did I make it without even realizing it? Yes.

I need Edward. I need to let go of Mike and be with Edward.

We all order some food and I'm not sure why I even bothered. I wasn't hungry before and now that Edward its gotten worse.

My mind wanders back to last night as I stir my newly filled coffee.

I'm not involving myself in the conversations at the table, I'm useless. I'm too stuck in my own brain and focused on every single movement Edward makes.

"_Then what did you mean when you pulled away from me? Told me no?" His voice had a bitterness to it I hadn't heard before. "You are going to be married in less than two days Isabella, I know that. I'm fully aware. You don't need to worry though, I won't do that again."_

_His eyes soften at his last words, his hands fall out of their fists, his back hunches over. "You'll be safe from me."_

Was not touching me included in keeping me safe from him? I didn't want to be safe from him. I didn't. I wanted him to touch me, taste me, take me.

We get our food and I pick at mine. Pushing my pasta around my plate. I need to talk to Mike. We can figure this out, discuss it rationally and calmly. We're both adults. Its not fair to him for me to feel like this and not say anything. He called earlier anyways, I should call him back and tell him we need to talk later.

"Alice I need to go grab my purse out of the car, I left my phone in there." I whisper to her abruptly. She hands me the keys as she eats more of her chicken sandwich. I walk out the doors and towards the car, thankful for putting some space between me and Edward. I need just a few minutes to think. To make sure that all the progress that I have made in the past forty five minutes haven't been because of the effect he has on me.

I unlock the car and pull my purse out before shutting and locking it once again.

"Isabella," I heard his voice, soft and silky. I turned around to find him with his hands shoved in his pockets, looking directly into my eyes. Green, I've missed you so. "I just- I need to talk to you, Could I see you later?"

He asked me as if I would say no.

Though, I guess from his last impression of us he had reason to doubt. I didn't however. Sitting in that diner with him for the past half hour has made me realize that I do want to talk to him, I have to. I need to get everything back to how it should be.

"Yes." His green eyes piercing into mine. It puts me in a trance. "I'll uh-give you my number." I didn't know how to smoothly do that, I'm not sure it worked.

"I actually have it so…" His eyes scrunched together, like he wished he wouldn't have said that out loud.

"How did you get my number?" I felt my fingers absently playing with my locket, butterflies in my stomach.

"My mom. Just last night, just incase or something." He mumbled the last part, rushing through it and not giving me any more information. It made me wonder if she really only gave it to him last night.

"You already have a missed call from me and a voicemail. So, yeah, just ignore that. " He must have registered the confused look on my face, he called me? "I wanted to make sure I got to see you today."

"You're with me right now?" I questioned. Not that I didn't want to meet with him, I was just confused.

"I need something more, private, for this."

"Private?" I repeated, not meaning to say it out loud.

"Yes. I have to go though, I'll let you know where to meet."

_Edward_

"Meet me there in an hour and a half."

"Alright." He was trying to intimidate me, I could tell. It just wasn't working. I wasn't scared to meet Mike. I really didn't care what happened with him, I only cared about Isabella.

I closed my phone and put it in my lap. If Bella decided to call me back I wanted to know about it.

It wasn't until I had driven almost all the way home that my dad sent me a text wondering where I was. _Fuck._ I had told them that I was going to meet them for lunch half an hour ago.

Changing direction I headed towards the diner. I would just have to make up some excuse for why I was late and for why I needed to leave in about an hour.

I knew the instant I walked into the diner that my dad had left a few details out about this lunch. Alice and Isabella were sitting at the table, chatting and smiling.

I had a fleeting thought to just turn around and leave. Another to just grab Isabella and leave.

Is that why she didn't answer my phone call? Because she was here with my parents?

I was panicking inside. Should I pull her aside and speak with her? No. This isn't an appropriate place to have the discussion that I need to. I don't want to make this awkward. I can feel the glares I'm getting from Alice and my parents are already looking at me, waiting for me to snap. They know that I want Isabella back, I made that perfectly clear. They know I still love her and that its very hard for me to handle the fact that she's moved on. Esme has told me countless times that _everything happens for a reason_. She wants me to just go with the flow and not try to control everything. Carlisle doesn't say much other than just to follow my heart.

It's frustrating.

I feel the buzz coming from our proximity to each other. I want to reach out and touch her, feel her soft skin. I want to be alone with her. I hate that there's three other people at the table. I feel like we're in a fish bowl and every move we make is being watched.

In order to keep myself in check I don't look at her, lean towards her or really even talk to her. I feel like if I do, I'll break down. I'll tell her every single thing right here and I don't want to do that.

I try to talk to Carlisle but I think he can read right through me. I watch Isabella out of the corner of my eye, should I say something now? Just tell her I want to talk to her later? I mean I was so confident about everything when I left Jacob and when I was in the car calling her but now that I'm sitting beside her I feel my nerves acting up. I'm worried about how she will react, what she will say, if she'll never talk to me again. All of the things that I was scared would happen when I told her.

When the waitress comes over to take our food orders I ramble something off, I'm not hungry. I have so much on my mind.

Focus.

I need to talk to her, I need to get her away from here, away from everyone. I don't want an audience for this conversation. Maybe I could still meet her later on? After I meet Mike of course. I don't know if I want her to know that I'm going to see him, I think that might be weird. She would probably want to come too and I'm not sure he told her we're meeting. It is probably better she stays in the dark about it all.

**A/N:** I split this chapter in 2 because I felt it needed it. Posting Ch12 in just a little bit.

Reviews are better than Edward wanting to be somewhere private with you..alright that's a lie.


	12. Confessions

**A/N:** Song: **I feel So; Box Car Racer**

Sorry for any mistakes, I'm fixing them tomorrow.

Here's the chapter I've been insanely excited to post since I started this fic.

_Bella_

"Where are you girls headed off to today?" Esme asked us a few minutes after I got back into the diner. Edward wanted to meet me later_. In private._ God, I liked the idea of that a lot more than I should. What did that mean? How was I supposed to focus on anything now that he had said that?

"We're going to make sure Bella's dress fits her like a glove."

"Yeah." I agreed, not even pretending to sound excited.

"Oh that should be lovely! I'm sure you two will have a great time."

"Yes, we will! We should be heading out, we don't want to be late for our appointment." Alice clapped, emphasizing her excitement for today. I started rifling through my wallet for some money for our food, ignoring wedding plans.

"No, no girls. It's on us." Carlisle gave his credit card to the waitress and smiled.

"Thank you." I tried to smile back at him but I was having a hard time. I didn't know what to do with myself. My entire life right now was evolving around Edward's words and the decision that I had to make, even though part of me knew I already had.

_Decision making and actually doing are two completely different things Bella._

"Bella where are your shoes?" Alice asked when we got into her car.

I think for a moment, pulling myself out of my fog. Damn. They're not with me like they should be, like she had reminded me a million times. "Um, in my room."

"Great place for them. That was the one thing I had asked you to bring." It was times like these I could really feel how fast she had to grow up. She was still taking care of me.

"I forgot, I'm sorry! I've been distracted."

"Yes, I've noticed."

"Well, what time is our appointment?"

"I told them we'd be there in a half an hour. That means I'm going to have to drive extra fast."

We're silent for most of the ride. It isn't until we're almost at the house that she finally asks; "What's with you and Edward?"

"What?" I try to play stupid. I knew she would ask at some point.

"You heard me."

"Nothing." I feign nonchalance.

"Yeah, right. I've been wondering what is going on with you two since he showed up last night. How did he even know about it? Carlisle and Esme wouldn't have invited him, they wouldn't do that."

Before she could say any more I cut her off. "I invited him."

"You invited Edward to your rehearsal dinner? Why?"

"I invited him to the wedding as well. I don't know, I guess I didn't think he'd come. "I didn't think he would but I wanted him to.

"You didn't think he'd come." She repeated, contemplating my answer. "Or you wanted him to know you were taken."

"Alice, you don't even like him." I tried to change the subject away from my motivations on inviting him.

"That's not true. I just don't trust him. I mean, he left you in your time of need and never even bothered to call or write to you. His parents wouldn't even talk about it. I'm pretty sure he abandoned everyone. Who does that?"

As she finishes speaking we pull into my driveway, I hop out and grab my keys. Mike won't be home yet, I'll just grab my stuff and go.

Unlocking the door I walk into the house, I see his wallet on the counter as I head for the stairs. That's odd?

I quickly make my way upstairs, trying to be quick for Alice and I hear a lot of commotion from my bedroom.

"Mike?" I yell as I hit the top step.

"Bella? What are you doing home, thought you'd be at your dress thing?" I walk into the bedroom and see him in a white tee and boxers. He sounds nervous but it probably just because everything Is coming so soon.

Too soon.

If I really did want to get out of this to-be marriage then I would need to do it asap.

I just couldn't right now.

I was too scared, too nervous. I needed a little bit of time to prepare. I didn't expect him to be home.

"Yeah, I forgot my shoes. Alice is in the car all frustrated with me because of it. I didn't know you'd be home, I thought you had a meeting?"

"Yeah, it was cancelled so I came home for a bit. I'm heading back out now actually."

"Oh, alright. I'll see you in a couple hours then?" I asked as I grabbed my shoes from on top of my dresser, right where I had left them.

"Yes, see you later sweetheart." I left without responding. His pet name made me angry. I craved to hear Edward call me _Isabella._ I really hadn't realized how much I had missed that.

_Edward_

"Mike."

"Edward." He walks towards me. We're meeting in a parking lot of a business that looks like it closed months ago. He must have a lot to say if he wanted somewhere this deserted to speak to me. "Let's not fuck around, why are you here?"

"Because you called and asked to meet me."

"You know what I meant."

"It was time." I'm being cryptic. I don't give a fuck. What do I owe him?

"Oh? It was time?"

"Yes."

"Time for what?"

I shrugged. I'm not explaining myself to him." You wanted to wait until she was almost married to show up back in her life?"

"It wasn't my intention."

"Right, of course it wasn't. Sick fucked up people like you never have ulterior motives, do they?"

"I don't have any ulterior motives. What do you think I'm here for Mike?"

"I think you're here to take my girl away." He moved towards me before starting to circle. Lame tactic. I'm not scared. " I think you're here because you think you're better than me. I think you think you can give her things I can't. You think she'll take you back."

"Do you think that, Mike?"

"Fuck you."

"Alright."

It was silent for a minute, both of us staring at each other.

"You know what I really want to know?" It sounded rhetorical, I didn't answer. "I want to know if you you enjoy abusing her? Does it bring you pleasure? Do you love to see her in pain, to see the hurt in her eyes?" I flinched. "Did you know she has nightmares, every single fucking night. She wakes up screaming, flailing. That's not something that _normal___people do, Edward."

"I do not abuse her."

"I disagree. I think you do. You fucked her up and left her. I'm a nice person though and I thought I could help her, fix her. But I can't. So now she'll just be the trophy wife that I need. Tell me though, did you ever hit her? Or just emotionally abuse her?"

"Fuck off, I never abused her. Ever."

"Then please explain to me why she is so fucked up and why she seems absolutely fucking scared to even talk about you? Why you seem to be the last man she was with and now she is a frigid fucking bitch."

"Don't you ever fucking call her that in front of me ever again."

"What? A frigid bitch? Trust me, she is. You're not missing anything. She is the worst fuck I've ever had."

I just shake my head, trying to calm myself down. I'm seeing red. I want to punch him in the face, I want to hit him so hard that I feel his jaw break. I want to see the blood come out of his nose. I want to hear his skin hitting the pavement. I want him to feel pain. I want him to feel the pain that I've felt since I've left her. I want him to feel the pain she felt, the pain she still feels.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to fucking leave and never come back." He clenches his fists, making his arm muscles look more pronounced.

"You coming here has done a lot of damage for me. I'm not sure you realize how much. You've been making my job a lot fucking harder the past twenty four hours and I will not tolerate it anymore. I won't let anyone ruin what I have established with her."

His job? What? "You don't own her."

"Neither do you. You need to remember that." I feel the impact of his fist hitting my face. I don't move away, I don't flinch. I'm done with that bull shit. If he wants to hit me, then let him.

"Not going to fight back?" I say nothing. "I used to love her, you know? Now she's just a toy. I pretty thing I like to play with, show off to friends. A toy that I'll probably end up throwing away after it gets me what I want."

_Isabella is not a toy._ I cant even imagine saying things like that about her. How dare he?

No, Edward. Do not fight back. Do not give in. Be the better person.

I feel him hit me again, again. Hard and fast. Knuckles hitting bone.

I'm not going to hit him back. I know that Isabella sees something in him that I can't. I need to respect that. I won't fight him. I would never want her to think of me as the man who fought her fiancé. I don't need more things chalked up against me.

I take more hits from him, to my stomach, my ribs, my chest, my face. Each of them harder and more violent. I've become his punching bag.

I feel the blood coming out of my nose and I remember only moments ago wanting to see this happening to him. Wanting to be the one causing him pain, not the other way around.

Maybe this is how it has to be though.

I still don't move, don't speak. I let out of a few sounds of pain, he is hitting very hard. It makes him enjoy it further. It makes him want to hit me harder.

I want to fight back, I do.

Part of me even wants to kill him. Not just because he has Isabella and I don't but because of how he talks about her.

"You're such a fucking pussy. Can't fight back? " He grunts as he hits me again, knocking me to the ground this time. "Don't worry, I'll fuck her good tonight. Make her forget all about you."

I close my eyes and try to succumb to the pain. I would rather it take me than listen to him talk about her. The urge to hurt him grows within me but I fight it. No.

"Then I'll go and fuck someone else. Stiff and boring Bella isn't as fun as Jessica is."

I snap my head up at his words. He smirks.

He fucking smirks.

It's like hes fucking getting off on this shit.

"Yes, you heard me right. Good to know that got your attention."

He fucking cheats on her.

He disrespects her.

He lies to her.

He isn't good for her.

I'm not good for her either.

Am I just as bad as him in a way?

Does it matter?

I'm a selfish bastard. I need her. I want her.

I'm not going to stop trying to get Isabella back. I will never stop. There was nothing that_ he_ could do to make me stop.

The only thing that would make me stop would be her.

And her reaction to what happened. _Please Isabella, don't hate me. _What really happened.

More hits, I fall to the ground. He kicks me. His foot going into my rib cage. It hurts like a fucking son of a bitch.

How can he think it's helping him to fight someone who isn't fighting back? What does he think this is going to accomplish?

New goal.

It's more important than getting her back.

I need to get her away from Mike.

She can't marry him. She can't be attached to someone like that.

She needs to see how much he's using her, how much he couldn't give a fucking shit about her.

"Had enough?" I grunt because it's the only sound I can make. I want him to stop, I'm not going to lie. "Good. I hope you've learned your lesson. Never talk to her again. Never contact her again. You're fucking done, Cullen. Don't show your face around here. This." He gestures to me lying on the ground, his voice is gruff and loud. "Is only a taste of what I will do to you if you do."

I don't answer.

I keep my eyes closed.

I hear him get back into his car and pull away.

XXX

Its been an hour since I pulled myself back into my car. Everything fucking hurts. I can tell I'm bleeding but I'm doing nothing about it.

My phone rings and its her. Thank you God.

"Isabella?" I ask, just making sure.

"Yes, can we meet?"

"Yes, can we go to my parents house? They're not home."

"Meet you there."

_Bella_

"Edward!" I gasp, he's covered in blood and bruises. "What happened?"

I run towards him as he stands in the door of the house. "Come inside, let me help you." I grab his hand instinctively and pull him into the kitchen.

As much as I just want to scream at him and demand that he tell me what happened, the blood on his face is making me realize I need to sort my priorities out.

"Where's a first aid kit?" I asked. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answers to my questions just yet.

"In the bathroom, under the sink." He mumbled.

I grab it and a few towels, soaking one in hot water and one in cold. Going back to him I have him sit back in chair as I clean his face and apply ointment and bandages. I see him wince every time I touch his skin.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Come with me." He gets up and walks toward his room. I am hesitant at first but brush it off. Its just Edward. "I don't know when my parents are getting home or how long this will take, so its better for us to be in here."

I don't know what all that means. How long this will take? What?

I sit down on his bed and he follows, sitting beside me. I see him pull his hands through his hair.

"I met with Mike." He announces. I freeze.

"What?" He fucking did what! My anger with him from last night and annoyance from this morning is at an all time high. He not only was an asshole last night but decided to beat up Edward? What? When? Where?

"He called me, asked to meet, I said yes." Edward was calm as he spoke, I was raging inside. Mike did what? Why would he think that was okay? I knew he was jealous but this is taking it too far.

"He hit you?" Mike was angry last night and I knew that but I didn't know he'd take it this far.

"Yes."

"Did you hit him back?" I had to ask. He must have, look at him.

"No." I'm speechless at his answer. I never expected him to not fight back, especially with all the cuts and bruises on him. He let Mike do this without any retaliation? Why would Mike keep hitting him then?

"Why not?"

"I'm not going to beat up your fiancé, Isabella." My heart breaks at his answer. He let this happen to himself because of me. He's hurt because of me. I feel tears flow into my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I can't believe he did that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I mumble as I lean over and wrap my arms around his shoulders, putting my head on his back. I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else to say. He doesn't move, he lets me do what I want.

Our connection soothed me, kept me grounded.

I needed him to feel safe. I needed him to be safe.

After a few minutes I felt him rest his head on my arm. I enjoy the skin on skin contact way too much.

I wonder when Mike had called him about this meeting. He was going to be hearing a lot from me when I got home. What made him think he could do this? I could call the cops. I could get him arrested.

Edward didn't do anything wrong.

This was so fucked up.

I kept my arms tight around him and thought back to the diner when I had wanted to touch him so badly. Now the familiar buzzing was strong and electric as the currents ran though my body where we were connected.

Wait. He had wanted to see me later _in private. _Why? "Why did you want to see me in private?"

I felt his breathing quicken. What was wrong?

"I don't want to tell you right now."

"Please, Edward." It was a few minutes before he spoke.

"I went to see Jacob." His voice was so small and muffled I didn't know if I had heard right. Did I hear that correctly? He went to see Jacob?

No. No. No. No.

"What!" Green eyes moved to mine, silently telling me I had heard correctly. I felt the anger rise within me, my stomach immediately feeling sick.

He went to see _him. _Out of all people. _Jacob._

"I had to." His voice was small and low, his eyes now on the floor.

"What! Why!" I stood up and backed away from him as quickly as my legs would take me. How could he not see how much of a betrayal that was to me? Jacob had killed my mom and he was _visiting_ him? What was he thinking?

"Isabella, please." He pulled his hand through his hair, his eyes coming up to meet mine. "Just let me explain."

"Explain what?" I yelled. "What could you possibly need to explain to me about Jacob? I don't want to know about him. I want to know about you. I want to know why you left me!"

He flinched and I couldn't stop myself from continuing, it was all built up and exploding out of me. "You left me alone! You left me in the worst possible fucking time! I was fucking miserable. I barely ate, didn't sleep, I was so out of focus with everything. I was a mess."

"I-" He went to speak and I cut him off, I felt hot tears pour down my cheeks.

"No! Let me talk! Did you know how many different reasons I had come up with for why you left me? How many times I questioned our relationship and its stability? I kept thinking that maybe you thought I wasn't good enough for you. Maybe there was someone else. Maybe you were cheating on me. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I should have seen it coming."

I paused, taking a deep breath. My face was covered in tears, my eyes were blurred. I had always wanted to yell this at him, scream at him, and here I was doing just that. It wasn't bringing me pleasure though, it was tearing me open and making me feel exposed.

"Isabella, please."

"Tell me why you left!"

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"I know once I tell you, you'll leave."

"You don't know that. You don't know anything because if you did, you wouldn't have left."

"Maybe that's true, maybe its not. The only reason I wanted to meet up with you today was to tell you the truth. To tell you why I left."

"Tell me then! Make me understand."

"Just, don't leave. Let me explain. Please?"

"I'm not making promises." Betrayal tears kept flowing down my face.

"Jacob and I were stupid back then, you knew that." He ran his hand though his hair. "I never told you because I knew you wouldn't approve but we had been experimenting with some drugs from his friend Sam. We were stupid. I'm first to admit that. We were fucking idiots."

I felt my jaw drop. What?

I'm numb and in pain all at the same time.

Tears don't stop rolling down my cheeks.

"It was only weed at first and only a couple times but then he asked if we wanted something stronger, something that would last longer. We said yes, because we were naïve." He used to hang out with Jake all the time, I never thought anything of it. I never thought to suspect he would be doing things like that.

"First time we did LSD it wasn't too bad. We didn't trip too hard, nothing went wrong, we thought nothing of it. I would even say it was fun." His voice was low and deep, almost monotone. "The second time was when problems occurred."

Drugs.

He did drugs?

What the fuck!

He never told me about that.

I never even suspected.

Ever.

I trusted him.

I always thought he would never lie to me.

How could he do this?

How could…

"Isabella, I need to tell you things but I know you're not going to believe me. I need you to just let me talk before saying anything, okay?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

"The day your mom died was the day that Jake found out her and Billy had been seeing each other. They were having an affair." No. My heart hurts, it literally is in pain. He's lying. No. He's lying straight to my face. Isn't he? Renee didn't have an affair. She didn't cheat on Charlie. No.

"I know you probably don't want to believe me but I swear its true, we-" his eyes squeezed shut before opening again. "We found evidence and then we're given confirmation from Billy. He didn't want to tell us, Jake basically forced him."

Renee.

Billy.

No.

I wanted to believe that couldn't be true. I wanted it to be fake.

Part of me knew I was just lying to myself though.

They had always been close, unusually close.

Renee would say she was hanging out with Jacobs mom, Emily, a lot.

Was it Billy instead?

"The problem was that we were high, very high. I didn't know what to think, you know I loved Renee, but Jake was pissed. He couldn't believe his dad would do that. He couldn't believe Renee would do that. He wasn't thinking straight. I went outside when they started screaming at each other, I couldn't handle it. LSD really fucks you up, I didn't know what was going on. I think it got physical between them, Jake came out with blood on his hands. "

I was frozen standing in front of him. I felt my knees get weaker as he continued. I felt empty, lost, confused, stupid. "He was yelling, I was so disoriented that I got in too. We drove towards your house, he was sputtering off about how he wanted to find out Renee's side. He wanted to yell at her for his mom. He wouldn't stop talking. I wonder if he was tripping out as hard as I was. I was in panic mode, on the verge of paranoid. I wanted out of the car but he wouldn't stop. He was going too fast. "

No.

This can't be real.

No.

I feel dizzy.

I feel like the ground is being ripped from beneath my feet.

I feel like my life has been a lie.

My breathing was shallow and quick.

I felt so sick.

"I couldn't stop him, I tried. I'm so sorry. The entire ride is such a blur for me now. I remember when he hit Renee. Then a tree. " He flinched, his entire body pulling together on the edge of the bed. "He was knocked unconscious while I somehow was not. I was so paranoid of being scene, being caught, that I ran. I never stopped running. Until last night. "

Time stood still. I swear it did. I stared at him as he looked down at the floor instead of in my eyes.

I watched him, trying to comprehend everything that he was telling me. I couldn't.

What was happening.

After what could have been ten minutes or two hours he spoke again.

"I am so deeply and truly sorry Isabella. " Conflicting thoughts ran though my head. I wanted to demand he stop saying sorry. I also wanted him to keep apologizing, keep begging for forgiveness. "I was a coward. I was scared. Once I started running, I could stop. Once I left, I didn't think I could face you. A day turned into a month, turned into a year. I didn't know how to come back. I didn't know what to say. I went downhill. I did more drugs, I went into depression. It went from weed and LCD to cocaine-"

"Stop." I spoke. It was the first thing I had said out loud since he started talking. I couldn't hear anymore. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to or because I don't think I could handle it. I think it was both.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.

The ten feet between us felt like a mile.

He was in the car that killed my mom.

He was fucking there.

He was high.

He did drugs behind my back.

Lies.

The minutes passed. I said nothing.

I stood there staring at him.

He looked like he was in pain and I didn't care.

He was in the car that killed my mom.

That took her away from me.

He left

_Fuck you, Edward Cullen._

"Isabella, please say something."

What did he want me to say? What was there to say?

In this moment, I hated him.

I wanted nothing to do with him.

I couldn't believe his words and yet I knew it was all true.

I knew every single thing he said was real.

I hated that.

If I thought I was breaking down before it was nothing compared to right now.

The pain in my chest was amplified. Hurting so much more than it ever had. It was now sharp and breath taking. It made me feel suffocated and alone.

For a moment I wondered if his touch would take this pain away or make it worse?

I hated myself for thinking he could help so I forced myself to believe it would make it worse.

He would make it worse. I kept repeating that to myself.

"No." I mumbled, shaking my head. My breathing coming out in short, shallow spurts. "No, don't do this to me. You're not allowed to do this to me."

"I'm sorry." He was crying. I could hear it in his voice. I didn't need to see into his eyes that were still focused on the floor

"No! Don't cry! You don't fucking get to cry!" I screamed at him, my hands balling into fists. I was angry. Frustrated. He wasn't allowed to be. No. " You don't get to feel bad! You did this!"

"I know." His mossy green eyes looked up at me finally. I felt another wave of pain flow through me.

"You were in the _fucking car _for goodness sake!" My voice was coated with tears and cracking with each word. "How could you!"

I couldn't stop saying that.

How could he do this to me?

**A/N:** Forever thanking my research & development team of Corinnakt & NJSilla.

If you were in Bella's position, what would you do?


	13. Isabella, Please

**A/N:** I haven't updated in way too long. If you'd like to yell at me about it feel free; I deserve it. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Thank you to all of you who alerted/favorite this story while it wasn't being updated. Thank you to all my girls on Twitter. Thank you to every single one of you who is still reading this story.

Song: **Little Lion Man - Mumford & Son**

_But it was not your fault but mine_

_And it was your heart on the line_

_I really fucked it up this time_

_Didn't I, my dear?_

_Isabella_

"You're a fucking asshole, Edward Cullen." I scream at him, my voice high and loud. His deep green eyes boring into mine. Those eyes that I had such a hard time looking at before now hold such intensity I can't look away.

Ten minutes ago I would have melted into him, right now I just want hit him. I want to give him all the pain I feel, push it on him, see how he handles it. I don't even know how I am handling it. I feel sharp pains and numbness flowing through my body.

We're standing in his bedroom, only a few feet apart but it feels like miles. We're both crying. I can't stop, it's impossible. "How could you?"

Those words won't stop falling from my lips. My fists clench tight, pressing my nails into the palm of my hand.

"Isabella, please. " He reaches his hand towards me, stopping midway and pulling it back to his side. He knows better. His words didn't ease my pain, didn't cease my anger, they made it all worse. It was like he couldn't think of anything else. _Isabella, please._

Please what?

"Don't." My heart is racing. I can feel the blood pumping through me, throbbing in my chest. My throat feels tight, strained with anger and betrayal causing my breathing to come out harsh and quick. My body is shaking. My eyes are blurred, tears consuming my vision. "Fuck you."

My brain can't seem to comprehend anything. I feel like there's so much _more_ I want to say to him but my brain is scrambling, trying to connect all the pieces, trying to form sentences that will express my thoughts. Nothing. Words float through my mind, none of them what I want. I want something strong, intense, angry, rough and cutting. I want to break through his barriers, I want to puncture his strength. I want him to understand why this hurts me more than anything. Why he's the one who causes me such pain and such pleasure. Why I don't know what to do anymore.

"I thought you were done breaking me." I see him flinch. It causes a shot of pleasure to rip through my body, part of me really is craving to hurt him. "I thought when you came back that you were going to _save_ me, not pick me up to crush me into a million pieces again." I close my eyes and wrap my hands around my stomach. The pain is unbearable. It feels like fire is burning through my heart, like someone is stabbing my stomach.

"The person you love isn't supposed to hurt you. They aren't supposed to make you cry. They are supposed to love you, cherish you, trust you, treat you with respect. You do none of those things. You lie and sneak and hide things from me. " I open my eyes to find he moved one step closer to me.

"Isabella, I swear it was never my intention to hurt you. Please believe me. Tell me what I can do to make this better. Tell me, whatever it is, I'll do it. I can't lose you again." His hands kept twitching, moving towards me and then pulling back. I wouldn't let him touch me right now even if he tried.

I feel the anger slowly wash away from me as he speaks. I hate it and I love it.

I'm not this person. I don't yell and scream and fight. I don't try to hurt others. I have never wanted to hurt Edward, ever. I don't want to now but something inside me keeps pushing me forward, telling me I need it. Telling me that it will make me feel better.

So far, it hasn't. Its only made me feel worse.

I watch his hand run through his hair, pulling violently before dropping back to his side. "I love you, forever. That's never going to change for me. I know you once loved me, too. "

His voice drops down to a whisper, "What can I do to keep your love? What can I do to hold onto it, to show you what we could be together again?"

"How can I love you now? " I pause, actually considering his words. Could he do that? Would I let him? The side of me I hate breaks through again, speaking for me. "Or ever?"

I feel my back hit his wall, not realizing I was moving. More tears fall down my face. "I was ready to forgive you. To get over whatever had happened. To move forward. "

I pause, thinking back to what he had said. My eyes lifted up to his as I spoke. "The problem is that I wasn't ready for what you would tell me. I didn't know you were capable of such horrible things. You aren't the Edward I loved. You never have been."

I instantly regret my words.

It was harsh, too harsh.

I wouldn't say that. It's the anger, the lies, the betrayal speaking.

My words hang in the air, tense and bitter. Neither of us speak.

My mind races, replaying our words in my head. The problem was that everything has truth. I feel like the Edward I knew was a fake version of the actual one. It feels like I fell in love with someone who wasn't there, or isn't anymore.

Is that true though? Is the loving Edward I knew gone?

No. He's still there. Hidden beneath this secret. He's been there since he asked me to dance at my rehearsal dinner. He's been there mixed with this horrid man I hate, the man who left me without a trace.

How do I proceed? What do I do?

Emerald green turned dark and hazy. He was looking at me as if he never would again. He was looking at me like I was a mirage and if he didn't memorize every detail, I'd be gone forever.

I didn't trust myself to speak again. My brain was still running in circles, my heart trying to grasp at hope that wasn't there.

I jumped when I heard a knock at the door, followed by Esme's voice.

"Edward?" She opened his bedroom door to find me pressed against the wall beside it, my face wet with tears. Edward halfway between me and his bed, sadness and regret on his face. "Oh. Is everything alright?"

The tone of her voice told me she knew more than she led on.

"Mom, please leave." Edward's voice was unusually stable and smooth. I knew mine wouldn't be if I spoke. He kept his eyes on mine, green on green locked together.

"Are you-"

"Please." His voice got stronger but his eyes never moved. I heard the door close as the silence spread around us once again.

I blinked slowly, trying to clear the tears from my eyes. When I opened them Edward was less than a foot away. I jumped, staring at his chest instantly and avoiding his eyes. We stayed like that for a minute. My body becoming a traitor to my heart, wanting to reach out and touch him. _No._

I felt his eyes on me, I knew he was waiting for me to look up.

Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and opened them on his.

They were shockingly light now, like leaves in the spring , and overwhelmingly sad.

I felt my heart drop in my chest.

I wanted to hug him, lean into him, wrap my arms around him and squeeze.

I wanted to punch him, slap him, hurt him like I hurt.

I wasn't sure what the purpose of him coming close to me was, did he think it would break me down? _Wasn't it working?_

Out of the corner of my eye I saw his hand twitch before he lifted it very slowly. Gently his finger tips caressed my cheek, His touch was so light and soft I almost didn't feel it. Blood flowed towards his touch, causing my face to turn pink.

"I'll always love you, Isabella. " He whispered as if he was telling himself, not me. His eyes were distant now, far away and lost. Mine were still full of never ending tears. He pulled away from me, backing up and pausing. I thought he would come back, I expected him to say something more.

He didn't.

He opened the door beside me and left, closing it behind him.

The anger had washed away and sadness had taken its place. My mom was still gone. Edward had known more than I realized and still left me. Alone.

Yet, him leaving me this time has left me feeling more alone than I ever have in my life.

His room is silent, motionless. I strain my ears to hear his footsteps, to decode what's beyond the door. I hear nothing.

I feel my body collapse on the floor, I'm no longer in control.

I'm exhausted, tired, spent.

I can't think, I can't feel, I can't speak.

I don't care.

I watch the sun, still high in the sky, from the window. Absorbing its light as I'm consumed by darkness.

_Mike_

"That's right, baby." _Slap._ "Right there."

"Yes! Michael!" She screams, slamming into me harder this time. "So. Fucking. Good."

I grab her hips and thrust into her with all my power. I feel her getting close, I don't care. I slap her ass again. She loves it rough. Bella doesn't. Bella doesn't like anything.

I wonder if Edward has tried to contact her? I doubt it. I fucked him up pretty good if I say so myself. He'll be staying away for a long time, fucking douche bag. She's mine. Marrying me. It's done. Over with.

Jessica has asked me well over ten times since I got here why I'm getting married. She doesn't get it. She never will. She can't be my wife, I would never want a whore like her anyways. She's a great fuck, that's all.

I haven't heard from Bella since she almost caught me with Jessica in our bedroom. I threw Jess in the closet so fucking fast. It was almost comical. Almost. I don't like close calls. That's why were at her house tonight, safe from walk- ins.

Bella never called me today, she's doing wedding shit that I don't care about. She's supposed to stay at Rosalie's anyway so I'm sure that's where she is.

I wonder if I should be concerned?

"So close, babe!" She moans and reaches her hand in my hair, pulling hard.

My mind goes blank as I feel her come on my dick and I feel myself ready to follow quickly behind.

_Edward_

"What happened, Edward?"

"I lost her."

"Son, I'm sure you didn't."

"No, it's done. She has every right to hate me, to leave me like I left her. "

"You really think that is what she'll do?"

"I've never seen such hate in her eyes. She looked scared of me, like I was not only emotionally hurting her but physically hurting her. "

I'm very sorry."

"Me too."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I really don't know."

_Isabella_

I feel warm hands wrap around my torso and under my knees.

I feel myself being lifted and pressed against warm fabric.

I hear a heartbeat, slowly pulling me out of the fog.

The pain isn't gone, I've just given up on caring. Its throbbing and piercing through my bones. My throat is still constricted, closing in on itself, refusing to let me speak. My heart feels like the raw fire that blazed through it has now changed to embers, steady and constant.

I feel myself being lowered, down..down..down, onto something softer than before.

A bed.

Blankets are placed over me.

I try to open my eyes, figure out where I am, who I'm with.

It's so dark.

Darkness.

Sleep takes over.

XXX

My eyes flash open and I'm still in the dark. There's no sound, no movement. I hear breathing and realize its mine, ragged and fast.

My eyes can't adjust to the dark so I move my hand around until I hit a table, then a lamp.

I flick the light on and look around.

I know this room.

_Edward._

My eyes jolt to the spot beside me in bed.

Empty and untouched.

I look around, searching his room in the dim light.

I hear breathing but now it's not me, it's someone else.

It's him.

I spot him over in the corner, as far away from me as possible. He's using a sweatshirt as a pillow and no blanket. Why wouldn't he just take one from his bed?

My brain fails to question my motives for still being here. It doesn't seem to matter.

My eye lids feel so heavy as they try to close, trying to convince me I need more sleep. I reach towards the table and to turn the lamp off without looking, my eyes won't allow it.

_Boom._

A small scream falls from my lips as a book crashes to the ground.

"Isabella." It's not a question. It's concern.

"The book fell." My voice is mumbled and low.

"It's okay." He's cautious, looking at me like I'm a wild animal in a cage, waiting for me to snap. "Do you- do you want to go back to bed?"

I don't answer because I don't know.

Do I? My brain screams; Yes.

My heart screams; No.

"Can we talk?" I whisper. I need to talk to him.

The cloud of sleep floats away leaving me remembering what we spoke about.

Questions. So many questions.

"Anything for you, Isabella."

**A/N:** Let's end this chapter with a poll so I can see what you'd all do if you were Bella! Though, keep in mind; what happens next is already written! This is just for fun!

A: Forgive Edward

B: Forget about Edward & Mike

C: Marry Mike

Much love to you all, see you super soon.


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